Are you traumatised by your child’s illness?

Something that we don’t talk about enough is the trauma we can experience when our kids are diagnosed or have a medical emergency. We might be worried about the medications they will have to take for the rest of their lives, the discrimination they may face, or the general precarious nature of their health. We remember and feel in our minds and hearts the feeling of sitting next to them, maybe by their hospital bed or in countless doctor’s offices, holding their hand and wishing for the best.

In an article about experiencing the aftermath of this trauma, Twitter activist and educator Kristin Flanary described it like this:

“But in the days and weeks that followed, something odd happened. My mind went somewhere it had never been before. Words were just...gone. I could manage a few one-word answers, but I couldn't hold a conversation. I couldn't keep the other person's words in my mind long enough to make sense of them. I couldn't think of words for simple concepts or objects. And I certainly couldn't make full sentences come out of my mouth. My eyes and face were devoid of any expression”

We often don’t feel that we can admit we have trauma, and it can be hard to take steps to care for ourselves. We feel guilty, we aren’t the one that has the diagnosis or the illness. It is worth it to take time out to recognise that you might be experiencing trauma. You can then begin processing it, trying to figure out what you need, and reaching out for help to get you through.

Flanary wrote an article about this experience, calling where she went her ‘quiet place’. She said:

“I didn't know how to explain to my family and friends what I was experiencing, so I used a name for the place I had gone. I called it the Quiet Place. It was a dark and empty chamber where no words were spoken or understood. If they were there, they flowed in and back out like a silent River Styx running through my brain. It was a place of grief and distress.

Those of us who have survived trauma need our healthcare providers to meet us in our Quiet Place. We need them to find their way into that dark chamber, light a candle, and fill it with the words that build a bridge for us to walk out.”

What can trauma look like?

There are many signs and symptoms of trauma. Here’s an incomplete, short list of things to watch out for:

• Confusion, difficulty concentrating
• Anger, irritability, mood swings
• Guilt, shame, self-blame
• Withdrawing from others
• Feeling sad or hopeless, disconnected or numb
• Insomnia or nightmares
• Fatigue
• Being startled easily
• Racing heartbeat
• Edginess and agitation

Where can I get help?

If you have these symptoms contact your GP to discuss treatment options. Awhi Ngā Mātuais a safe and private place to share your experience too.

You can also call the following at any time to talk:

• Healthline 0800 611 11
• Free call or text 1737 any time, 24 hours a day
• Lifeline 0800 543 354
• Healthline 0800 611 116
• Samaritans 0800 726 666
• Youthline 0800 376 633

Awhi Ngā Mātua

This article has been developed by Awhi Ngā Mātua with research support from the IHC library.