Watching your child disappear through the school gates can be nerve-wracking for parents at the best of times – harder still, if your child has a disability, is neurodivergent, or is medically fragile. Ironically, it could be the same school you’ve fought tooth and nail to get them into, but now you’re visualising all the things that could go wrong, with bullying at the top of the list.

All children can be bullied, but most at risk are the ones who other kids see as different in some way. Complicating matters, bullying often happens when there are no adult witnesses, and other children are too scared or too confused to intervene.

But don’t panic, there are many strategies and safeguards that parents can put in place, to make sure your child is supported and able to speak up about bullying. **[The IHC Library](https://ihc.org.nz/library-page) and [Awhi Ngā Mātua](https://awhingamatua.org.nz/) are here to help. **We have heaps of resources at our fingertips that we can direct you towards. We have online resources including eBooks, books with advice for adults, picture books for parents to read with their children, to help kick off discussions around bullying, and links to other helpful websites and organisations.

As parents of children with disabilities or who are medically fragile, we must keep a watchful eye out for tell-tale signs of bullying, as our children may lack the verbal skills to tell us what’s going on. Sometimes children are not even aware that they _are _being bullied, or they might think they deserve it. These are dangerous messages for children to internalise, so the sooner a bullying situation is detected and dealt with - the better!

### **Signs to look out for:**

- Your child’s personality has changed in some way, they may be moodier/more easily upset/aggressive/less confident/or withdrawn.
- They are reluctant to go to school and may invent excuses to stay home.
- They no longer do so well at school and/or teachers show concern
- They have stomach aches, headaches, nightmares and difficulty sleeping.
- They come home with missing or damaged belongings, or with physical injuries.

### **What to do and say**:

As a parent it’s hard not to feel angry on your child’s behalf, especially if it triggers memories of bullying from your own childhood. But you owe it to your child to **be calm and clear-headed.**

**Criticize the bullying behaviour but don’t label another child as a bully**.

You need your child to know that you will help them get through it. **No-one deserves to be bullied and it is NEVER their fault**. If someone is unkind to them**, it is okay to feel angry or sad**, but it **is not okay to be unkind back**.

Children are sometimes reluctant, embarrassed or have difficulty talking about what is happening to them. One approach is to ask your child about the good things that happened in their day, following it up with a question about any bad things that might have happened.

Alternatively, **we suggest reading one of [IHC Library](https://ihc.org.nz/library-page)’s child-friendly books on bullying together**. Use the text and the illustrations to start a conversation about how the child in the story might feel about being bullied. Then you can ask if they’ve ever felt that way too. **Let your child know this is a problem you can solve together,** if you both put your thinking hats on!

**Role-playing** at home, with you as the bully, is a handy way to show children what they can say or do the next time someone bullies them. Or ask your child’s teacher if they can hold a role-playing activity on bullying, to get the whole class involved.

Other children at your child’s school may be aware of what’s going on but simply don’t know how to help, or are afraid to. We need to make it easy for children to stand up for others. Give them** guidance on how to show empathy, stand up for others, especially if they are different or more vulnerable**.

Before you get on the phone to your child’s teacher, get your child’s ‘buy-in’. They may not be ready to get the school’s involvement, so take your cue from them before taking it to the next level.

**Having friends is an effective barrier to bullying**; just having one friend can lessen the odds of being bullied. If your child has difficulty making friends, your child’s teacher may ask a classmate to consider being their buddy. **Joining a club outside of school** is also a great way to make new friends and build up self-esteem.

Bullying can be a complex issue, and these are just a few of the strategies we at **IHC Library** suggest giving a go. This is one of a series of blogs on bullying, you may also be interested in our blog on _bullying and autism_ or _[cyberbullying](https://panui.awhingamatua.org.nz/how-do-i-keep-my-disabled-child-safe-online). _Or if you prefer, we can put together a personalised information package on the topics of your choice. Just give us a call on 0800 442 442 or email _[librarian@ihc.org.nz](mailto:librarian@ihc.org.nz)_.

**Kids’ books from the [IHC Library:](https://ihc.org.nz/library-page)**

-   **_Ouch moments – When words are used in hurtful ways_** _-_ **by** **Michael Genhard, illustrated by Viviana Garofol**
-   **_Teasing isn’t funny – What to do about emotional bullying – _by** **Melissa Higgins, illustrated by Simone Shin**
-   **_Emily’s being bullied – What can she do –_ by Helen Cowie, Harriet Tenenbaum, Ffion Jones, illustrated by Ffion Jones**
-   **_The Bully Blockers – Standing up for classmates with Autism _– by Celeste Shally, illustrated by David Harrington**
-   **_Bobby and Mandee’s Too Smart for Bullies -_ by Robert Kahn, Sharon Chandler, illustrated by Sue Lynn Cotton**
-   **_Be Bully-Free: A hands-on guide to how you can take control (teens) – _by Michael Panckridge (also available as an Ebook)**

**Books for Adults from the IHC Library:**

-   **_Stop bullying by taking charge of safety_ – Irene Van der Zande**
-   **_Easing the Teasing_ – Judy Freedman**
-   **[Awhi Nga Matua Facebook video ](https://www.facebook.com/awhiathome/videos/information-about-bullying/601378807217874/)with Phil Clarke on bullying**

**Helpful websites**

-   [Bullying Free NZ](http://www.bullyingfree.nz)
-   [Skylight](http://www.skylight.org.nz)
-   [He Whakaaro - Education Counts.](http://www.educationcounts.govt.nz/publications/schooling/he-whakaaro-what-do-we-know-about-bullying-behaviours-in-new-zealand)
-   [The educational experiences of disabled learners](http://www.educationcounts.govt.nz/publications/schooling/he-whakaaro-the-educational-experiences-of-disabled-learners)


A child with long dark hair stares at the camera

Help! My child is being bullied and I don’t know what to do!

bullying and disability, help with bullying disabled child, how to help my bullied autistic child, bullying ADHD, bullying disability, bullying down syndrome

Many parents have experienced the heartbreak of their autistic child coming home from school upset because they’ve been left off a classmate’s birthday party invitation list. Or no one wanted to play with them at break. Or they were called mean names. School playgrounds and classrooms can be confusing and sometimes scary places to be, especially for an autistic child. Bullying can be subtle, especially when figuring out the social behaviour of others can feel like you’ve crash-landed on Mars and you don’t understand Martian!

As a parent, this kind of behaviour towards our child can be confronting and confusing. We know what to do if our child scrapes their knee in the playground or is running a fever, but we don’t necessarily know what to say and do if they are picked on simply because they’re ‘different’.

And if_ we_ don’t know, our children certainly won’t.

[One American study](http://www.disabilityscoop.com /2009/11/13/bullying) interviewing 400 parents of autistic children, found that nine in ten of those children had been bullied - physically, emotionally or through cyber bullying. So, it’s crucial for parents to explain to children what is happening to them and to give them strategies on how to cope with it.

Even more importantly, we need to make sure children don’t start to believe these negative messages.

### Key messages for children to hear are:

**Be yourself** – you are a unique and amazing human being! Don’t let the mean words in.

**Speak up**– tell a trusted adult what is happening to you - they can help.

**Be kind** – don’t repeat ugly words or imitate mean behaviour.

**Be caring** – we can help stamp out bullying if kids look out for one another. If someone looks lonely, ask them if they want to sit with you at lunch, or join in a game with you and your friends.

**Be positive** – remember if someone doesn’t want to be your friend, it’s not because of you. Try again with someone else.

We need to prepare our children for the fact that these strategies don’t always work straight away, but over time they probably will. If you think your child is old enough and mature enough, have a conversation about how people sometimes do not treat other people well, simply because they’re different. Reassure your child that they are strong enough to cope and you’ve got their back.

As a parent, you should seek out help too. Talk to your child’s teacher, or a medical professional if your child seems withdrawn or socially isolated. Sometimes it might seem all too hard, but simply by being there, your child helps others in your community appreciate their unique skills and talents.



A child looks at the camera they have painted hands

Autistic children are more likely to be bullied - Here’s what to do about it

Autism and bullying, autistic child is being bullied, education and autism

Bullying in New Zealand, School Bullying Trends, Education System Bullying, Bullying Behaviors, Student Well-being, School Culture, Observers of Bullying, Impact of Bullying, Preventing Bullying, Bullying Research, Bullying Prevention, School Safety

He Whakaaro :  - What do we know about bullying behaviours in New Zealand? - Mercy Mhuru

What do we know about bullying behaviours in New Zealand?

This paper summarises what we know about bullying in the education system. Bullying has widespread implications not only for the students exposed to it (those who are bullied, those doing the bullying and the observers), but to their family wellbeing and the culture of schools and communities. We provide a setting for further discussion and research into bullying by examining the trends and forms of bullying that are currently known in New Zealand.

He Whakaaro : What do we know about bullying behaviours in New Zealand?

Summary

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