When a child loses a parent, it is essential they get the right support to cope with this huge event in their lives. It can be especially hard to provide that support when you too are dealing with your own grief.

Your child needs to know they are not alone in their grief. They also need to know that you are there by their side to help them make sense of your shared loss and will keep them safe.
 
**What children need to know when someone important to them dies:**

**Their world is still safe** - other important people in their lives are not about to die and nor are they. Many things will stay the same, along with old routines. If something significant _is_ about to change, talk about it in advance, providing lots of reassurance.

**Nothing is their fault -** young children can blame themselves for a parent’s death. Reassure them that nothing they said or did led to their parent’s death.

**Whatever they feel is okay - c**hildren can feel guilty if they don’t always feel sad about their parent’s death and want to do other things like play with their friends. Let them know that it is okay to feel okay. It's okay to laugh, to find joy.

**You will always give them** **honest and sensitive answers** to their questions about death and the afterlife, according to your own spiritual beliefs. They may take a while to process this information, so be prepared to go over it again and again.

**They will have a chance to say goodbye – **children can feel excluded from their parent’s death. If they can’t go to the funeral for any reason, let them have their own ceremony if they want to.

**It’s okay to need extra hugs and reassurance – **let them know you do too. 

**Sometimes our friends don’t understand what has happened to us. **Reassure your child that this doesn’t mean** **their friends don’t care about them but may be too young to know what to do or say that will make them feel better.
** **
## What you need to know as a parent:
**Seek out the comfort and help you need**. If you’re not well supported, it will be much harder to support your child.

**Don’t try and do it all yourself**. Your child will naturally turn to you for reassurance and explanations. Sometimes it’s okay to let other people you trust do that for you.

**Don’t protect your child too much from your grief** – let them know you’re very sad too. But take a private moment for yourself if your grief threatens to be overwhelming.

**Give your child choices if possible** – ask your child if they wish to go to the funeral. Let them know what will happen there, but also, they can say goodbye another way, if they prefer.

**Do what feels right for you – **don’t let the expectations or differing belief systems of family or friends influence how you explain death or involve your child in the grieving process. 

**Make time in your day to focus on your own grief – **even if only for twenty minutes before getting up in the morning, or before you go to sleep.

**Accept that some things won’t get done - **like mowing the lawn or sorting out your Internet service, and that’s okay**. **You’re doing your best, which will change daily. Take it slowly, now is not the time to make major decisions.

**Help your child make sense of their loss – **explain** **that death means they will not see that person again, but their connection to them, and love, will always continue. Use simple, straightforward language and explanations. Avoid euphemisms – such as ‘passed on’, ‘at rest’, ‘in a better place’ – which are confusing to young children.

**Allow your child to re-grieve**, as they age, and their loss takes on a new meaning and significance to their lives.
 
### Babies and Toddlers
Children at this age may struggle to understand the finality of death, or even that a death has taken place. But children at all ages, even babies, are finely tuned to your emotions and may also feel the loss of that person in their lives.

If your child is old enough to ask you questions give them honest, age-appropriate replies. Let them take the lead in what they want to know and don’t brush them off with a promise to explain it to them when they’re older.

Their behaviour may change – they may become clingier or be more irritable and throw tantrums. Their sleep patterns may be interrupted, and they may regress to earlier behaviours, such as crawling when they were walking, or using baby talk when they could use sentences.

This is normal, so continue to comfort and reassure them with routines, lots of physical contact and being able to be around you.  

Now is not the time to introduce change, such as toilet training, or moving into a big bed. If you are concerned at all about their behaviour or would just like more guidance and support, consult your GP, or Well Child provider.
 
### Older children
Children at primary school and older may also regress to younger behaviours – wetting the bed, separation anxiety, losing focus at school and not wanting to play with friends.

Let them know you are always available to talk to about whatever it is they are feeling – anger, sadness, confusion. Normalise their questions and feelings and make them aware it is a journey you are traveling on together. Think of things you can do to remember the person who has died – plant a tree in their name, have a memorial service on their birthday, create a box with special photos and mementos and keep talking about them in your daily lives.

As time goes on your child may not wish to talk so much about the parent who has died or may even begin to forget things about them. This can be painful for you, but this too, is normal. Don’t let that stop you talking about your loved one, or commemorating them, and remember, their love and influence on your child’s life before their death, remains.

It is also normal for older children to want to ‘step back’ from their grief – especially as their peer groups become more important to them, and they do not wish to be defined by their loss.

If, however, you are concerned that your child’s behaviour has become harmful to themselves or others – from becoming socially reclusive to antisocial behaviour, it may be time to get professional help. Talking to your child’s teachers, school counsellors or getting a referral from your GP to see a child therapist, are all positive steps you can take.

For more on grief other articles are available on Awhi Nga Matua. You might also find the resources below useful, which includes books from the IHC Library and helpful websites. Or contact the IHC library direct to have a chat about what you need on 0800 442 442 or email: [Librarian@ihc.org.nz](mailto:Librarian@ihc.org.nz).
** **
**Helpful websites:**
The Grief Centre: [www.griefcentre.org.nz](http://www.griefcentre.org.nz)
Mental Health Foundation: [www.mentalhealth.org.nz](http://www.mentalhealth.org.nz)
Anxiety NZ: [www.anxiety.org.nz](http://www.anxiety.org.nz)
Skylight: [www.skylight.org.nz](http://www.skylight.org.nz)
Relaxation guides for kids at [www.fragrantheart.com/cms/free-audio-meditation#children](http://www.fragrantheart.com/cms/free-audio-meditation#children)
Time Timers available at [www.autismresources.co.nz](http://www.autismresources.co.nz)
Depression NZ: [www.depression.org.nz](http://www.depression.org.nz)
 
** **
**Helplines:**
Anxiety New Zealand: 0800 269 4389 (0800 ANXIETY)
1737: Free call or text 1737 to talk to a trained counsellor
Depression.org.nz: 0800 111 757 or text 4202
Kidsline (for people up to 18 years): 0800 543 754
Whats Up (for 5 to 18-year-olds): 0800 942 8787
thelowdown.co.nz , Web chat, email chat or free text 5626
Youthline: 0800 376 633, free text 234, email talk@youthline.co.nz
Lifeline: 0800 543 354
Samaritans: 0800 726 666
Suicide Crisis helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)
** **
 


Emily Writes

A photo of a child being held by their parent as they cry

My child has lost their parent – what can I do to help them?

Helping children with grief, My child has lost their parent, death of a parent

If anxiety has had a negative impact on your own life, it’s natural not to want your child to struggle too. 

Everyone feels anxious at some point in their lives – the key is not to prevent anxiety altogether, but rather to manage it effectively.

Young children are sponges who can internalise behaviours and attitudes. Managing your own anxiety can be so hard, if you're able to though you can help to show your children how to manage theirs.

### So how do I do that?

First, **recognise the key components to your anxiety** – worrying excessively, pessimistic thoughts, perfectionistic tendencies, exaggerating problems, being overly concerned with other people’s opinions.

**Learn how to self soothe **– challenge your pessimistic thinking. Ask yourself if there is any real basis to your fears. And if ‘the worst’ happens, what could you do about it? Would it really be so bad?

**Be aware when your ‘inner-voice’ has become self-sabotaging**.  Talk to yourself as kindly and reassuringly as you would to your child. Become your own ally, adviser and supporter.

**Build your own confidence and resilience.** Model the behaviours and attitudes you want your children to have.

**Be open about your anxiety** – you don’t want your children to think it’s something to be ashamed of, but rather, it’s just another aspect of who you are. Anxiety is no big deal, as long as we learn how to cope with it and get on with our lives.

**Prioritise self-care.** Yes, it’s stating the obvious, but cutting back on alcohol, caffeine and getting enough sleep is important for wellbeing. Think about what else makes you feel good - connecting with friends, spending time on a hobby, walking on the beach – and think about what gets in the way of you doing those things.
 
## Key Messages for parents
Children are very sensitive to your feelings and reactions, so it’s important not to give your child the message that their anxiety is worrying to you. They may decide that this means there’s something seriously wrong with them.

Take a curious, rather than emotional approach when asking your child about what frightens them and why.

Don’t ask your child repeatedly how they’re feeling, or send them texts asking them where they are, or use a GPS locator to pinpoint their whereabouts. You and they need to be okay with sometimes NOT KNOWING.

Don’t protect your child from challenges. This will only undermine their self-confidence in pursuing goals. It may also lead to them relying on others to keep them safe.

Help your child embrace their shortcomings as well as their strengths.

Remember, even small behavioural changes on your part, modelling how to handle anxiety, can positively influence your child.

Be supportive, but don’t over-praise your child. When they’re away from you and praise is not so forthcoming, their self-esteem may suffer as well as their trust in your judgement.

Too much reassurance can also be undermining, as children become less able to handle doubt, and ironically, more anxious in the process!

Never be sarcastic or critical to your child. Let them know we all make mistakes and ask them what they could do differently next time.

Share your stories of your own failures and struggles. Make sure you let them know you re-framed them as an opportunity to learn and grow.

Retain your highest praise for when your child manages to do something hard _despite_ their anxiety, rather than pursuing an ‘anxiety-free’ life!

Encourage your child to tell you about how they overcame a challenge and how that made them feel.

Every child needs to learn how to cope with disappointment and failure. The only thing any of us truly have control over is our own attitude and behaviour.
 
### Key Messages for children
- Making mistakes and feeling embarrassed are normal – just as much as having fun and being happy!
- Taking risks is a good thing – they make you braver and stronger.
- Nobody’s perfect. Who’d want to be?
- No-one knows what’s going to happen tomorrow, next week or next year – and that’s okay.
- Don’t avoid doing things just because they make you feel a little scared. YOU’RE in control of your life, NOT your anxiety.

Finally, encourage your child to not only have a kind and compassionate attitude towards themselves, but also to everyone else in their lives.

Remember this phrase **‘I’m doing the best I can with what I have, and so is everyone else’. **Make it your motto, as well as your child’s!

For more on anxiety, other articles are available on Awhi Nga Matua. You might also find the resources below useful, which includes, books from the IHC Library, as well as helpful websites and helpline contacts. Or contact the IHC library direct to have a chat about what you need on 0800 442 442 or email: [Librarian@ihc.org.nz](mailto:Librarian@ihc.org.nz).
 
**Helpful websites:**
Time Timers available at [www.autismresources.co.nz](http://www.autismresources.co.nz)
Depression NZ: [www.depression.org.nz](http://www.depression.org.nz)
 
**Helplines:**
Anxiety New Zealand: 0800 269 4389 (0800 ANXIETY)
1737: Free call or text 1737 to talk to a trained counsellor
Depression.org.nz: 0800 111 757 or text 4202
Kidsline (for people up to 18 years): 0800 543 754
Whats Up (for 5 to 18-year-olds): 0800 942 8787
thelowdown.co.nz , Web chat, email chat or free text 5626
Youthline: 0800 376 633, free text 234, email talk@youthline.co.nz
Lifeline: 0800 543 354
Samaritans: 0800 726 666
Suicide Crisis helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO) 


A child smiles and holds up their hands they have colourful pant on their hands and face

Help! How can I prevent my anxiety hurting my child?

How do I help my child with anxiety, parent with anxiety, how to stop my anxiety hurting my child

All the usual reasons for stress and anxiety in childhood – bullying, family upheaval, friendship difficulties and trauma – apply to neurodivergent and disabled children too. That said, neurodivergent and disabled children may also suffer anxiety specific to their different wiring. 

Autistic children often do not like changes to their routine. Developmentally delayed children may struggle with difficult tasks. Unrealistic expectations placed on Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder children can cause enormous stress.

## Common causes of anxiety in neurodivergent and disabled children

**Changes in routine** –When the world is a confusing and overwhelming place, changes in routine that involve new people, present new stimuli and demand different behaviours, can be particularly challenging.

**Difficulty in making and maintaining friendships** – Being ‘different’ in any way can be tough for young children, when making friends. Add to the mix an inability to understand social cues, body language or to fully participate in games, and ‘fitting in’ becomes especially hard.

**School environment challenges** – School resources are often stretched, and many neurodivergent and disabled children struggle to keep up with their peers and the expectations of their teachers.  Undiagnosed children have added challenges, as their behaviour and academic performance are not filtered by awareness of their condition.

**Separation anxiety** – The parent/child bond can be particularly strong when a child is neurodivergent and/or disabled. Many very young children experience separation anxiety in the pre-school years, but for neurodivergent/disabled children separation anxiety can persist for much longer.

**Sensory issues** – Crowded spaces, loud noises, bright lights and even rough clothing can cause distress. hypersensitive and hyposensitive children can become easily bored and fidgety when under-or over-stimulated.

**Demanding tasks** – Daily tasks that many children accomplish easily – getting dressed in the morning, mastering their times table, reciting a poem in front of the class – can cause neurodivergent/disabled children considerable stress and anxiety.

**Difficulties with focus/attention** – Pre-schoolers are not expected to have long attention spans, but with age their ability to concentrate increases. This is not the case for children with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) or Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD), for whom some tasks will always be difficult.

**Negative reactions from others** – All children are sensitive to how others perceive them, and negative reactions can have a serious impact on self-esteem. Neurodivergent and disabled children are as aware as their neurotypical peers and are often highly sensitized to negative or excessive attention.

### Ways to address your neurodivergent/disabled child’s anxiety

**Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT**) – Child therapists recommend CBT to parents as the most effective strategy to address children’s anxiety. The aim of CBT is to challenge the worrying thoughts the child has that maintains a high state of anxiety.

The first step of CBT is to **identify your child’s fears** – talk to your child with an attitude of calm, curiosity about what frightens them. This may not be possible if your child is non-speaking. For these children keep a diary, notice what situations, people or activities trigger their fears**. **

With neurotypical children and some neurodivergent/disable children, the next step is to gradually expose them to the things that frighten them, by **creating a ‘fear ladder’**. The child has control over how slowly or quickly they move up the ‘fear ladder’, until they eventually reach the point where they can face the situation that causes them the most fear. They should never be coerced or pushed.

With neurodivergent/disabled children it may not always be possible or desirable to habituate them to a scary situation. If this is the case, you may decide to adapt or avoid certain situations – as described below.

**Adapt or Avoid Stressful Situations – **Children with sensory issues will need you to act on their behalf to modify stressful environments. Provide hypersensitive children with noise-cancelling headphones for example, and don’t force them to go to noisy environments such as children’s birthday parties, amusement parks or busy shopping centres. In the case of hyposensitive children, meet with their teacher and arrange for them to be able to take regular breaks to run around, listen to music, or jump on a trampoline to get rid of the ‘fidgets’. Do this at home too.

**Provide plenty of routine and predictability** – All children benefit from the security of knowing what is going to happen next in their daily or weekly routine. As parents of neurodivergent/disabled children, you need to ‘double-down’ on this concept. Use easy-to-understand wall charts and diaries to remind children what is going to happen during their day, and from one week to the next. Visual timers can also be useful for children who cannot tell the time, by using shapes or colours to show time passing.

**Modify difficult tasks** – Break down tasks into small easy steps, with frequent praise for each achievement. Consider limiting the number of tasks you first show the child and let them do each one in their own time. Your child’s confidence will grow as they master each step.

**Develop a consistent approach between school and** home – Keep a dialogue going with your child’s school, especially with the teachers they see daily. Let them know what strategies work for reducing your child’s anxiety at home, and ask if they can use the same techniques at school.

**Separation anxiety** – Whether your child likes it or not, sometimes they cannot and should not be with you.  Your child needs to know that they will be okay when you’re not there, and also that you will be coming back to them. Using a timer is one way to build up this trust. Leave your child with a trusted friend or family member and set a timer to 20 seconds. Tell your child you’ll be back when the timer goes off and return when the time is up. Does this again, setting the time for 40 seconds. Keep doing this until you gradually build up to 30 minutes or an hour.  For more detailed advice on separation anxiety, see our panui ‘_My child is very anxious, what can I do_?’.

**Stimming**  - When autistic children are anxious they may use stimming (for example, flapping hands, repeating phrases over and over, walking in circles) as a self-soothing strategy. It is fine to let your child calm themselves in this way, especially as stimming can also be an expression of happiness. However, if your child is banging their head or hitting themselves or other people, this is a sign of distress and you should intervene immediately.

**Active calming** – Being active, physically, mentally and socially is good for all of us. Make sure your child gets plenty of exercise according to their abilities (jumping, running, skipping), start a hobby, join a club or simply spend time with the family pet.

**Quiet calming** – Breathing exercises, listening to music and guided meditation and yoga for children. Your child may need help with some of these activities initially, but once they’re familiar with the steps involved, it’s important they learn to self-soothe.

Keep in mind each child is unique, and so is their anxiety! Experiment with the strategies above to find out which ones work best for your child.
 
For more on anxiety, other articles are available on Awhi Nga Matua. You might also find the resources below useful, which includes books from the IHC Library as well as helpful website and helpline numbers. Or contact the IHC library direct to have a chat about what you need on 0800 442 442 or email: [Librarian@ihc.org.nz](mailto:Librarian@ihc.org.nz).
 
**Helpful websites:**
Time Timers available at [www.autismresources.co.nz](http://www.autismresources.co.nz)
Depression NZ: [www.depression.org.nz](http://www.depression.org.nz)
 
**Helplines:**
Anxiety New Zealand: 0800 269 4389 (0800 ANXIETY)
1737: Free call or text 1737 to talk to a trained counsellor
Depression.org.nz: 0800 111 757 or text 4202
Kidsline (for people up to 18 years): 0800 543 754
Whats Up (for 5 to 18-year-olds): 0800 942 8787
thelowdown.co.nz , Web chat, email chat or free text 5626
Youthline: 0800 376 633, free text 234, email talk@youthline.co.nz
Lifeline: 0800 543 354
Samaritans: 0800 726 666
Suicide Crisis helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)
 


A child wears headphones. They hold their hands up to touch the headphones.

How can I help my neurodivergent child with their anxiety?

Autism and anxiety. ADHD and anxiety, helping autistic child with anxiety, neurodivergency and anxiety. 

We all feel anxiety at times, including your child.
If your child’s anxiety has become overwhelming and is interfering with their ability to go to school, socialise, continue with their sports or hobbies, or even leave the house, it’s time to seek professional help.

As a first step, you may want to talk to your child’s teacher, the school counsellor, their sports coach and any other significant adult in their life – to get as full a picture as possible on their anxiety. Your next step is to get a referral to see a child psychologist/therapist from your GP.

It is important to get professional treatment as early as possible as an ongoing heightened state of anxiety, can negatively affect aspects of brain function. Good therapy, on the other hand, can rewire the brain – literally! That's easier said that done, when sometimes our system isn't set up to support parents to support their kids. But keep trying. You're not alone in this fight.
 
### What if my child doesn’t want to see a therapist?
Explain to your child that seeing a therapist to help them sort out their anxiety, is no different to seeing the doctor when they have a sore throat or stomach-ache. Take a positive, matter-of-fact approach.

When children begin therapy, they are often relieved to know that, not only is their problem pretty common, but also there are practical things they can do to overcome it.

Therapists report that what often _does_ upset children, is seeing their parent/s distressed or worried on their behalf. It is much more supportive to your child, to demonstrate your confidence in their ability to get better.
 
### How do I know if they are the right therapist for my child?
Not all sizes fit, and not all therapists will be right for your child. Your child needs to be able to trust their therapist with their deepest fears and concerns.
But give it time, if they don’t connect on the first session, try one or two more sessions before deciding to try another therapist.
 
### What will the therapist do for my child?
Good therapists know that building trust and rapport between themselves and your child is the basis for successful treatment.

It is likely that they will begin with encouraging your child to do an inventory of their strengths and weaknesses, so that they can see themselves as a complete individual, flaws and all.

The most commonly used approach to treating anxiety in New Zealand, both for adults and children is **Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)**. This is a practical approach to challenging the worrying thoughts and behaviours that lead to a heightened state of anxiety.

CBT helps children change their thinking that leads them to excessive worrying. It also helps them cope with the physical symptoms of anxiety – such as a racing heart, feeling hot and sweaty, and shaky legs – so that they are reassured nothing is physically wrong with them. Finally, CBT also helps children address the behaviours associated with anxiety – which most often, is avoiding whatever activity, situation or thing that frightens them. Therapists will empower children to gradually acclimatise themselves to their fears, until they no longer need to avoid them altogether.
 
### How long before my child feels better?
Many people report feeling less anxious after only a few sessions. Typically, courses of therapy last for 12 to 20 weeks on one-hour sessions per time.
The aim is not to provide a ‘cure’ for anxiety, but to provide children with tools and strategies to manage their anxiety over a lifetime.

For more on anxiety, other articles are available on Awhi Nga Matua. You might also find the resources below useful, which includes books from the IHC Library as well as helpful websites and helpline numbers. Or contact the IHC library direct to have a chat about what you need on 0800 442 442 or email: [Librarian@ihc.org.nz](mailto:Librarian@ihc.org.nz).

**Helpful websites:**
Time Timers available at [www.autismresources.co.nz](http://www.autismresources.co.nz)
Depression NZ: [www.depression.org.nz](http://www.depression.org.nz)
 
**Helplines:**
Anxiety New Zealand: 0800 269 4389 (0800 ANXIETY)
1737: Free call or text 1737 to talk to a trained counsellor
Depression.org.nz: 0800 111 757 or text 4202
Kidsline (for people up to 18 years): 0800 543 754
Whats Up (for 5 to 18-year-olds): 0800 942 8787
thelowdown.co.nz , Web chat, email chat or free text 5626
Youthline: 0800 376 633, free text 234, email talk@youthline.co.nz
Lifeline: 0800 543 354
Samaritans: 0800 726 666
Suicide Crisis helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)


Boy sits on a brown couch talking to a counsellor who sits opposite him

My Child is Anxious – But How Do I Know if they Need Professional Help?

Does my child need professional help for anxiety? When do you need a therapist? When do you need a counsellor?

Kids' Meditation Guides, Relaxation Techniques for Children, Guided Meditation for Kids, Stress Relief for Children, Calming Activities for Kids, Inner Peace for Children, Mindfulness for Kids, Child-Friendly Meditation, Anxiety Reduction for Children, Children's Meditation Resources

Relaxation guides for kids : - [website].

[website].

"Whatever your personal situation right now, meditation can help you to feel greater calm and inner peace. Instead of using your outer will to transform your life, meditation helps you to access your "inner voice" or guide. I like to refer to this 'inner voice" as your Heart. Your Heart knows what's correct for you, but its voice is often drowned out by the confusion reigning in the mind. Meditation helps quieten the mind so you can listen to your Heart. By listening to our Heart we can experience greater peace and better health which in turn bring us more fulfilled and balanced lives."

Relaxation guides for kids : [website].

Summary

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