How to support your neurodivergent child at Christmas

As a neurodivergent person parenting a neurodivergent person, December is a tricky time already. It features a major change in routine as we move from the school term to the school holidays and the Big Days (Christmas Eve, Christmas, Boxing Day, New Year’s Eve, New Year’s Day) are even trickier. There are a lot of_ Shoulds_ and Expectations and Traditions, and the pressure to perform Christmas correctly can be overwhelming.

Here are Awhi Ngā Mātua’s Top Survival Tips for the Big Days:

Timetables: Routine is useful for everyone’s peace of mind, but it can be a vital tool in managing neurodivergence. On Big Days, routine often just isn’t an option. If that’s the case, the next best thing is ensuring, as much as possible, that nothing is unexpected. In the absence of routine, create certainty.

A big timetable poster is a great visual aid. If your kid gets anxious, a pocket-sized timetable to refer to throughout the day can be useful. Go through each event and discuss what will happen and what coping mechanisms might be useful. Refer to the timetable through the day - ticking off events as they happen helps create an anchor in time.

Pick and Choose: if you receive heaps of invitations to visit family and friends, it can be overwhelming. Give yourself permission to pick just one or two events per Big Day. Events are often prioritised based on the relationship with the host but it’s also important to consider how happy your whānau will be at each event.

Perhaps you’re invited to both the traditional full-afternoon 20-plus-family-member lunch and a neighbourhood park barbecue. There’s a pretty hefty Expectation that you’ll attend the former but playing in the park might be preferable over the family lunch if your kids started shrieking almost immediately last year. Telling whānau things are going to be different might be a bit tricky, but that brings us to the next point.

**Suggest Alternatives: Every tradition **started at some point and no tradition has stayed the same since its genesis. Keep the traditions that work for you and avoid the others. If it’s going to be Grandpa’s last Christmas, then it makes sense to see him but perhaps everyone would have a nicer time if you had a quiet visit in the morning for presents and fancy pastries but left before any bigger festivities started.

**Time Limits: **Remember how in Cinderella, the carriage turns back into a pumpkin at midnight? Set a Pumpkin Time for your whanau and let the hosts know ahead of time when you’ll be leaving. It’s easier for everyone to manage their energy and enjoy the big lunch and hanging with the gaggle of cousins if they know it’s only for a certain amount of time. Certainty is key, for happy kids and happy adults.

**Set expectations around physical contact: **Let other adults know what’s acceptable and unacceptable touching for your child. You may need to be quite strict with other adults about this one, and it can be useful to figure out bearable alternatives to the customary squeezy cuddle and wet kiss. You’re looking for ways to ensure your kid is comfortable and supported, and Granny is still able to express her love.

In our whānau we do Cheek Kisses (lightly pressing our cheeks together) and Hair Kisses (kisses to the top of the head) as they involve loving intimacy but minimal mouth contact. Sometimes hugs aren’t wanted but sitting next to each other holding hands is acceptable.

Pack a lunchbox for each child. Consider doing this even if you’re hosting. Your holiday menu won’t have to be limited to ‘safe food’ and your kid will know they’re not going to be confronted by the wrong brand of custard or roasted potatoes instead of boiled. The food will be familiar and ready for your kid when they need it, regardless of what the rest of the family are doing.

**Plan for Quiet: **Christmas is busy and, to be frank, it’s a sensory nightmare. Flashing lights and repetitive songs are everywhere. Everyone needs time to rest and recharge, so put it into your timetable. Block out alone time after lunch or even entire days with no plans. Put the tree lights onto slow fade instead of a fast blink and keep any background music down low. If you have the room, create a Quiet Space for reading books and quiet conversation and a Loud Space for playing with new toys and listening to music.

Nuclear Option - avoid Christmas altogether: A small silver lining of Covid is that there has never been a better ready-made excuse to avoid social gatherings. If you usually have to travel, if you’re not sure of everyone’s vaccination status, if you’re just tired, then give yourself the gift of not going. Have a quiet Christmas at home and enjoy a totally predictable day.

Tam Clemerson

I'm Tam Clemerson. I am a queer neurodivergent parent. I grew up in Wellington and did my dash in the public service before moving into union advocacy. I am currently studying Law at Vic Uni and spend my time juggling lectures and readings with swimming lessons and football games.