When a child loses a parent, it is essential they get the right support to cope with this huge event in their lives. It can be especially hard to provide that support when you too are dealing with your own grief.

Your child needs to know they are not alone in their grief. They also need to know that you are there by their side to help them make sense of your shared loss and will keep them safe.

What children need to know when someone important to them dies:

Their world is still safe - other important people in their lives are not about to die and nor are they. Many things will stay the same, along with old routines. If something significant is about to change, talk about it in advance, providing lots of reassurance.

Nothing is their fault - young children can blame themselves for a parent’s death. Reassure them that nothing they said or did led to their parent’s death.

Whatever they feel is okay - children can feel guilty if they don’t always feel sad about their parent’s death and want to do other things like play with their friends. Let them know that it is okay to feel okay. It's okay to laugh, to find joy.

You will always give them honest and sensitive answers to their questions about death and the afterlife, according to your own spiritual beliefs. They may take a while to process this information, so be prepared to go over it again and again.

They will have a chance to say goodbye – children can feel excluded from their parent’s death. If they can’t go to the funeral for any reason, let them have their own ceremony if they want to.

It’s okay to need extra hugs and reassurance – let them know you do too.

Sometimes our friends don’t understand what has happened to us. Reassure your child that this doesn’t mean their friends don’t care about them but may be too young to know what to do or say that will make them feel better.

What you need to know as a parent:

Seek out the comfort and help you need. If you’re not well supported, it will be much harder to support your child. 

Don’t try and do it all yourself. Your child will naturally turn to you for reassurance and explanations. Sometimes it’s okay to let other people you trust do that for you.

Don’t protect your child too much from your grief – let them know you’re very sad too. But take a private moment for yourself if your grief threatens to be overwhelming.

Give your child choices if possible – ask your child if they wish to go to the funeral. Let them know what will happen there, but also, they can say goodbye another way, if they prefer.

Do what feels right for you – don’t let the expectations or differing belief systems of family or friends influence how you explain death or involve your child in the grieving process.

Make time in your day to focus on your own grief – even if only for twenty minutes before getting up in the morning, or before you go to sleep.

Accept that some things won’t get done - like mowing the lawn or sorting out your Internet service, and that’s okay. You’re doing your best, which will change daily. Take it slowly, now is not the time to make major decisions.

Help your child make sense of their loss – explain that death means they will not see that person again, but their connection to them, and love, will always continue. Use simple, straightforward language and explanations. Avoid euphemisms – such as ‘passed on’, ‘at rest’, ‘in a better place’ – which are confusing to young children.

Allow your child to re-grieve, as they age, and their loss takes on a new meaning and significance to their lives.

Babies and Toddlers

Children at this age may struggle to understand the finality of death, or even that a death has taken place. But children at all ages, even babies, are finely tuned to your emotions and may also feel the loss of that person in their lives.

If your child is old enough to ask you questions give them honest, age-appropriate replies. Let them take the lead in what they want to know and don’t brush them off with a promise to explain it to them when they’re older. 

Their behaviour may change – they may become clingier or be more irritable and throw tantrums. Their sleep patterns may be interrupted, and they may regress to earlier behaviours, such as crawling when they were walking, or using baby talk when they could use sentences.

This is normal, so continue to comfort and reassure them with routines, lots of physical contact and being able to be around you.  

Now is not the time to introduce change, such as toilet training, or moving into a big bed. If you are concerned at all about their behaviour or would just like more guidance and support, consult your GP, or Well Child provider.

Older children

Children at primary school and older may also regress to younger behaviours – wetting the bed, separation anxiety, losing focus at school and not wanting to play with friends.

Let them know you are always available to talk to about whatever it is they are feeling – anger, sadness, confusion. Normalise their questions and feelings and make them aware it is a journey you are traveling on together. Think of things you can do to remember the person who has died – plant a tree in their name, have a memorial service on their birthday, create a box with special photos and mementos and keep talking about them in your daily lives. 

As time goes on your child may not wish to talk so much about the parent who has died or may even begin to forget things about them. This can be painful for you, but this too, is normal. Don’t let that stop you talking about your loved one, or commemorating them, and remember, their love and influence on your child’s life before their death, remains.

It is also normal for older children to want to ‘step back’ from their grief – especially as their peer groups become more important to them, and they do not wish to be defined by their loss.

If, however, you are concerned that your child’s behaviour has become harmful to themselves or others – from becoming socially reclusive to antisocial behaviour, it may be time to get professional help. Talking to your child’s teachers, school counsellors or getting a referral from your GP to see a child therapist, are all positive steps you can take.

For more on grief other articles are available on Awhi Nga Matua. You might also find the resources below useful, which includes books from the IHC Library and helpful websites. Or contact the IHC library direct to have a chat about what you need on 0800 442 442 or email: Librarian@ihc.org.nz.

Helplines:

Anxiety New Zealand: 0800 269 4389 (0800 ANXIETY)

1737: Free call or text 1737 to talk to a trained counsellor

Depression.org.nz: 0800 111 757 or text 4202

Kidsline (for people up to 18 years): 0800 543 754

Whats Up (for 5 to 18-year-olds): 0800 942 8787

thelowdown.co.nz , Web chat, email chat or free text 5626

Youthline: 0800 376 633, free text 234, email talk@youthline.co.nz

Lifeline: 0800 543 354

Samaritans: 0800 726 666

Suicide Crisis helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)