How can I help my teenage child to develop a positive body image?

The body we imagine ourselves to have and the body the rest of the world sees may be dramatically different.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) is when we obsess over real or imagined flaws and allow that to interfere with our daily lives, and it is something many of today’s teenagers suffer from.

If you are a disabled teenager, it can be especially hard to tune out images of physical perfection that the social media, billboards, magazines and TV, bombard us with constantly.

As a parent, puberty may already be a difficult time as your child pushes you away, while simultaneously needing your love and support.  

We may also have become hyper-vigilant to other people’s reactions to our child’s difference. We may feel vulnerable in social situations and communicate that discomfort to our child.

So what can we do?

• Think about your own thoughts and feelings. Are you trying to minimise your child’s difference and protect them from other people’s reactions? Is this working?
• If you do encounter unwelcome questions about your child’s disability - let them know your child is the same as any other, and their disability is just another aspect of their identity. It is not a tragedy or something to be pitied. Or alternatively, just smile and walk away.
• If you are still trying to ‘improve’ your child through therapeutic interventions or surgery, consider what message this may be sending to your child.
• **Model acceptance of your own body as well as other people’s. **Don’t criticise your own or other people’s appearance or physical flaws.
• Emphasise the qualities that you would like people to notice you for when they first meet you – such as your warmth or empathy**. Ask your child to think about their own best qualities and what they would like people to notice about them.  **Encourage them to think about all the things they like about themselves. What are their interests or passions?
• **Help your child develop coping skills **– they may need to practice how to respond to other people’s comments in a way they feel comfortable with.
• Encourage your child to express their personality through their appearance – what kind of clothes do they like? Do they like fashion, or do they prefer to wear comfortable sports clothes?
• Help your child realise that while they may not be able to control other people’s reactions to them, they can control their own response.

It is still relatively rare for disabled people to feature in popular culture or on social media, but things are slowly changing, as disabled people appear in fashion ads and as protagonists in television.

In the meantime, help your child realise that we are able to make our own definitions of beauty and to decide what makes us worthwhile human beings.

For more on puberty, the following articles are available on Awhi Nga Matua.
·      How can I support my teenage disabled/autistic child explore their sexuality?
·      How can I help my disabled/autistic child navigate the emotional storms of puberty?
·      My teenager wants to have a boyfriend/girlfriend, but I think they might get hurt - what can I do?
·      Help! My teenager is using pornography and I don’t know what to do
·      Help! How can I teach my disabled/autistic teenager that good hygiene is important?
·      How can I help my disabled/autistic child manage their periods?
·      Help! How can I teach my child what's okay and wha'ts not, when it comes to masturbation?
·      My child is going through puberty – what is appropriate for their intimate care plan?
_ _
You might also find the resources below useful, which includes books from the IHC Library as well as helpful website and helpline numbers. Or contact the IHC library direct to have a chat about what you need on 0800 442 442 or email: Librarian@ihc.org.nz.

Kids’ Books from the IHC Library
·      Things Ellie Likes – A book about sexuality and masturbation for girls and young women with autism and related conditions - Kate E. Reynolds, illustrated by Jonathan Powell
·      _Things Tom Likes _– A book about sexuality and masturbation for boys and young men with autism and related conditions - Kate E. Reynolds, illustrated by Jonathan Powell
·      Growing Up Great! The Ultimate Puberty Book for Boys – Scott Todnem
·      The Growing Up Guide for Girls – What Girls on the Autism Spectrum Need to know! - Davida Hartman, illustrated by Margaret Anne Suggs
·      Secret Boys' business – second edition - Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Jeff Taylor 
·      _More Secret Girls’ Business _- Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Jeff Taylor
·      _Special Girls’ Business _– This book has been written for girls with special needs - Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Julie Davey
·      Special Boys’ Business – This book has been written for boys with special needs - Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Jeff Taylor
·      _Puberty and Special Girls – This book has been written for girls with special needs - _Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Jeff Taylor
·      The Autism-Friendly Guide to Periods – Robyn Steward
·      Boyfriends + Girlfriends – A guide to dating for people with disabilities – Terri Couwenhoven 
·      Leroy Learns about the Big 'P'** **- John Hibbs
·      _The Boys’ Guide to Growing Up _– Choices and Changes during Puberty – Terri Couwenhoven
·      All about Growing Up – Family Planning NZ
·      _The Girls’ Guide to Growing Up _– Choices and Changes in the Tween Years – Terri Couwenhoven

Books for Adults from the IHC Library
·      When Young People with Intellectual Disabilities and Autism Hit Puberty – A Parents' Q&A Guide to Health, Sexuality and Relationships – Freddy Jackson Brown, Sarah Brown
·      _Safety and Consent for Kids and Teens with Autism or Special Needs _– A Parents’ Guide – Debra S. Jacobs
·      Sexuality – Your Sons and Daughters with Intellectual Disabilities – Karin Melberg Schwier, Dave Hingsburger
·      The Facts of Life and More – Sexuality and Intimacy for People with Intellectual Disabilities – Leslie Walker-Hirsch
·      _Masturbation, Autism and Learning Disabilities – A Guide for Parents and Professionals _– Mel Gadd
·      Sex and Relationships Education for Young People and Adults with Intellectual disabilities and Autism -Dr Kelly Asagba, Professor Jan Burns, Dr Sophie Doswell
·      Hygiene and Related Behaviours for Children and Adolescents with Autism Spectrum and related Disorders - Kelly Mahlere 
·      Relationship Building and Sexual Awareness for Kids with Autism – Susan Heighway, Susan Kidd Webster
·      Sexuality and Learning Disabilities – A Handbook - edited by Claire Bates
·      Sexuality and Intellectual disabilities – A guide for Professionals – Andrew Maxwell Triska
·      Let's Talk about Sex - Dr Sarah Ashworth, Dr Hannah Carton
·      Intellectual disability and the right to a sexual life – A Continuation of the Autonomy/Paternalism Debate - Simon Foley
** **
DVDs from the IHC Library (also available for online streaming)
·      Tara Grows Up – A guide to periods and puberty for young women with intellectual disabilities - IHC
·      Billy Grows Up – A guide to puberty for boys and young men with intellectual disabilities -IHC
** **
Helpful websites:
KidsHealth: www.kidshealth.org.nz/sexual-behaviour-children-young-people
Rainbow Youth: www.ry.org.nz
Healthify He Puna Waiora: www.healthify.nz/health-a-z/c/consent/
Body Image Movement: www.bodyimagemovement.com
Nest Consulting: www.nestconsulting.nz/healthy-relationships/student-qa/
Anxiety NZ: www.anxiety.org.nz
Skylight: www.skylight.org.nz
Depression NZ: www.depression.org.nz

Helplines:
Anxiety New Zealand: 0800 269 4389 (0800 ANXIETY)
1737: Free call or text 1737 to talk to a trained counsellor
Depression.org.nz: 0800 111 757 or text 4202
Kidsline (for people up to 18 years): 0800 543 754
Whats Up (for 5 to 18-year-olds): 0800 942 8787
thelowdown.co.nz , Web chat, email chat or free text 5626
Youthline: 0800 376 633, free text 234, email talk@youthline.co.nz
Lifeline: 0800 543 354
Samaritans: 0800 726 666
Suicide Crisis helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)

Resources for kids

Things Ellie likes :

Things Ellie likes :

"A simple picture book to teach girls and young women with autism...

"A simple picture book to...

Things Ellie likes :

Things Ellie likes :

"A simple picture book to teach girls and young women with autism...

"A simple picture book to...

Things Tom likes :

Things Tom likes :

"A simple picture book to teach boys and young men with autism or...

"A simple picture book to...

Things Tom likes :

Things Tom likes :

"A simple picture book to teach boys and young men with autism or...

"A simple picture book to...

Growing up great! :

Growing up great! :

"Growing Up Great is a body-positive guide to getting through...

"Growing Up Great is a...

The growing up guide for girls :

The growing up guide for girls :

"The Growing Up Guide for Girls is a one-stop guide for young girls...

"The Growing Up Guide for...

Secret boys' business /

Secret boys' business /

Secret boys' business assists boys to understand the changes that...

Secret boys' business...

More secret girls' business

More secret girls' business

This is a companion volume to "Secret Girls Business". In addition...

This is a companion volume...

Special girls' business

Special girls' business

Takes a girl and her carer step by step through the process of...

Takes a girl and her carer...

Special boys' business

Special boys' business

This book has been written for boys with special needs. It supports...

This book has been written...

Puberty and special girls

Puberty and special girls

"Provides practical information about growing up and will help...

"Provides practical...

The autism-friendly guide to periods /

The autism-friendly guide to periods /

Written by autistic author Robyn Steward, this is a detailed guide...

Written by autistic author...

The autism-friendly guide to periods /

The autism-friendly guide to periods /

Written by autistic author Robyn Steward, this is a detailed guide...

Written by autistic author...

Boyfriends & girlfriends :

Boyfriends & girlfriends :

"Boyfriends & Girlfriends is for parents and professionals caring...

"Boyfriends & Girlfriends...

Leroy learns about the big P :

Leroy learns about the big P :

"This unique young person's book has been developed by a very...

"This unique young person's...

The boys' guide to growing up :

The boys' guide to growing up :

"As a sexuality educator, I applaud Terri for tackling this crucial...

"As a sexuality educator, I...

All about growing up

All about growing up

"This workbook has been designed for young people living with mild...

"This workbook has been...

The girls' guide to growing up :

The girls' guide to growing up :

"Puberty is a challenging time for all young adults. Now girls with...

"Puberty is a challenging...

Meryl Richards

I’m Meryl Richards. What a pleasure it’s been to join the Awhi team. I get to spend my days researching information that supports me as a parent, and sometimes challenges me to rethink what I thought I knew. My hope is that it will be useful to you too. I live in Kapiti with my partner and two teenage boys, and spend as much time as possible in the surrounding bush and at the beach.