When a child loses a parent, it is essential they get the right support to cope with this huge event in their lives. It can be especially hard to provide that support when you too are dealing with your own grief.

Your child needs to know they are not alone in their grief. They also need to know that you are there by their side to help them make sense of your shared loss and will keep them safe.
 
**What children need to know when someone important to them dies:**

**Their world is still safe** - other important people in their lives are not about to die and nor are they. Many things will stay the same, along with old routines. If something significant _is_ about to change, talk about it in advance, providing lots of reassurance.

**Nothing is their fault -** young children can blame themselves for a parent’s death. Reassure them that nothing they said or did led to their parent’s death.

**Whatever they feel is okay - c**hildren can feel guilty if they don’t always feel sad about their parent’s death and want to do other things like play with their friends. Let them know that it is okay to feel okay. It's okay to laugh, to find joy.

**You will always give them** **honest and sensitive answers** to their questions about death and the afterlife, according to your own spiritual beliefs. They may take a while to process this information, so be prepared to go over it again and again.

**They will have a chance to say goodbye – **children can feel excluded from their parent’s death. If they can’t go to the funeral for any reason, let them have their own ceremony if they want to.

**It’s okay to need extra hugs and reassurance – **let them know you do too. 

**Sometimes our friends don’t understand what has happened to us. **Reassure your child that this doesn’t mean** **their friends don’t care about them but may be too young to know what to do or say that will make them feel better.
** **
## What you need to know as a parent:
**Seek out the comfort and help you need**. If you’re not well supported, it will be much harder to support your child.

**Don’t try and do it all yourself**. Your child will naturally turn to you for reassurance and explanations. Sometimes it’s okay to let other people you trust do that for you.

**Don’t protect your child too much from your grief** – let them know you’re very sad too. But take a private moment for yourself if your grief threatens to be overwhelming.

**Give your child choices if possible** – ask your child if they wish to go to the funeral. Let them know what will happen there, but also, they can say goodbye another way, if they prefer.

**Do what feels right for you – **don’t let the expectations or differing belief systems of family or friends influence how you explain death or involve your child in the grieving process. 

**Make time in your day to focus on your own grief – **even if only for twenty minutes before getting up in the morning, or before you go to sleep.

**Accept that some things won’t get done - **like mowing the lawn or sorting out your Internet service, and that’s okay**. **You’re doing your best, which will change daily. Take it slowly, now is not the time to make major decisions.

**Help your child make sense of their loss – **explain** **that death means they will not see that person again, but their connection to them, and love, will always continue. Use simple, straightforward language and explanations. Avoid euphemisms – such as ‘passed on’, ‘at rest’, ‘in a better place’ – which are confusing to young children.

**Allow your child to re-grieve**, as they age, and their loss takes on a new meaning and significance to their lives.
 
### Babies and Toddlers
Children at this age may struggle to understand the finality of death, or even that a death has taken place. But children at all ages, even babies, are finely tuned to your emotions and may also feel the loss of that person in their lives.

If your child is old enough to ask you questions give them honest, age-appropriate replies. Let them take the lead in what they want to know and don’t brush them off with a promise to explain it to them when they’re older.

Their behaviour may change – they may become clingier or be more irritable and throw tantrums. Their sleep patterns may be interrupted, and they may regress to earlier behaviours, such as crawling when they were walking, or using baby talk when they could use sentences.

This is normal, so continue to comfort and reassure them with routines, lots of physical contact and being able to be around you.  

Now is not the time to introduce change, such as toilet training, or moving into a big bed. If you are concerned at all about their behaviour or would just like more guidance and support, consult your GP, or Well Child provider.
 
### Older children
Children at primary school and older may also regress to younger behaviours – wetting the bed, separation anxiety, losing focus at school and not wanting to play with friends.

Let them know you are always available to talk to about whatever it is they are feeling – anger, sadness, confusion. Normalise their questions and feelings and make them aware it is a journey you are traveling on together. Think of things you can do to remember the person who has died – plant a tree in their name, have a memorial service on their birthday, create a box with special photos and mementos and keep talking about them in your daily lives.

As time goes on your child may not wish to talk so much about the parent who has died or may even begin to forget things about them. This can be painful for you, but this too, is normal. Don’t let that stop you talking about your loved one, or commemorating them, and remember, their love and influence on your child’s life before their death, remains.

It is also normal for older children to want to ‘step back’ from their grief – especially as their peer groups become more important to them, and they do not wish to be defined by their loss.

If, however, you are concerned that your child’s behaviour has become harmful to themselves or others – from becoming socially reclusive to antisocial behaviour, it may be time to get professional help. Talking to your child’s teachers, school counsellors or getting a referral from your GP to see a child therapist, are all positive steps you can take.

For more on grief other articles are available on Awhi Nga Matua. You might also find the resources below useful, which includes books from the IHC Library and helpful websites. Or contact the IHC library direct to have a chat about what you need on 0800 442 442 or email: [Librarian@ihc.org.nz](mailto:Librarian@ihc.org.nz).
** **
**Helpful websites:**
The Grief Centre: [www.griefcentre.org.nz](http://www.griefcentre.org.nz)
Mental Health Foundation: [www.mentalhealth.org.nz](http://www.mentalhealth.org.nz)
Anxiety NZ: [www.anxiety.org.nz](http://www.anxiety.org.nz)
Skylight: [www.skylight.org.nz](http://www.skylight.org.nz)
Relaxation guides for kids at [www.fragrantheart.com/cms/free-audio-meditation#children](http://www.fragrantheart.com/cms/free-audio-meditation#children)
Time Timers available at [www.autismresources.co.nz](http://www.autismresources.co.nz)
Depression NZ: [www.depression.org.nz](http://www.depression.org.nz)
 
** **
**Helplines:**
Anxiety New Zealand: 0800 269 4389 (0800 ANXIETY)
1737: Free call or text 1737 to talk to a trained counsellor
Depression.org.nz: 0800 111 757 or text 4202
Kidsline (for people up to 18 years): 0800 543 754
Whats Up (for 5 to 18-year-olds): 0800 942 8787
thelowdown.co.nz , Web chat, email chat or free text 5626
Youthline: 0800 376 633, free text 234, email talk@youthline.co.nz
Lifeline: 0800 543 354
Samaritans: 0800 726 666
Suicide Crisis helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)
** **
 


Emily Writes

A photo of a child being held by their parent as they cry

My child has lost their parent – what can I do to help them?

Helping children with grief, My child has lost their parent, death of a parent

The body we imagine ourselves to have and the body the rest of the world sees may be dramatically different. 

Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) is when we obsess over real or imagined flaws and allow that to interfere with our daily lives, and it is something many of today’s teenagers suffer from.

If you are a disabled teenager, it can be especially hard to tune out images of physical perfection that the social media, billboards, magazines and TV, bombard us with constantly.

As a parent, puberty may already be a difficult time as your child pushes you away, while simultaneously needing your love and support.  

We may also have become hyper-vigilant to other people’s reactions to our child’s difference. We may feel vulnerable in social situations and communicate that discomfort to our child.

### So what can we do?
- Think about your own thoughts and feelings. Are you trying to minimise your child’s difference and protect them from other people’s reactions? Is this working?
- If you do encounter unwelcome questions about your child’s disability - let them know your child is the same as any other, and their disability is just another aspect of their identity. It is not a tragedy or something to be pitied. Or alternatively, just smile and walk away.
- If you are still trying to ‘improve’ your child through therapeutic interventions or surgery, consider what message this may be sending to your child.
- **Model acceptance of your own body as well as other people’s. **Don’t criticise your own or other people’s appearance or physical flaws. 
- Emphasise the qualities that you would like people to notice you for when they first meet you – such as your warmth or empathy**. Ask your child to think about their own best qualities and what they would like people to notice about them.  **Encourage them to think about all the things they like about themselves. What are their interests or passions?
- **Help your child develop coping skills **– they may need to practice how to respond to other people’s comments in a way they feel comfortable with. 
- Encourage your child to express their personality through their appearance – what kind of clothes do they like? Do they like fashion, or do they prefer to wear comfortable sports clothes?
- Help your child realise that while they may not be able to control other people’s reactions to them, they can control their own response. 

It is still relatively rare for disabled people to feature in popular culture or on social media, but things are slowly changing, as disabled people appear in fashion ads and as protagonists in television.

In the meantime, help your child realise that we are able to make our own definitions of beauty and to decide what makes us worthwhile human beings.

For more on puberty, the following articles are available on Awhi Nga Matua. 
·      _How can I support my teenage disabled/autistic child explore their sexuality?_
·      _How can I help my disabled/autistic child navigate the emotional storms of puberty?_
·      _My teenager wants to have a boyfriend/girlfriend, but I think they might get hurt - what can I do?_
·      _Help! My teenager is using pornography and I don’t know what to do_
·      _Help! How can I teach my disabled/autistic teenager that good hygiene is important?_
·      _How can I help my disabled/autistic child manage their periods?_
·      _Help! How can I teach my child what's okay and wha'ts not, when it comes to masturbation?_
·      _My child is going through puberty – what is appropriate for their intimate care plan?_
_ _
You might also find the resources below useful, which includes books from the IHC Library as well as helpful website and helpline numbers. Or contact the IHC library direct to have a chat about what you need on 0800 442 442 or email: [Librarian@ihc.org.nz](mailto:Librarian@ihc.org.nz).

**Kids’ Books from the IHC Library**
·      _Things Ellie Likes – A book about sexuality and masturbation for girls and young women with autism and related conditions_ - Kate E. Reynolds, illustrated by Jonathan Powell
·      _Things Tom Likes _– A book about sexuality and masturbation for boys and young men with autism and related conditions - Kate E. Reynolds, illustrated by Jonathan Powell
·      _Growing Up Great! The Ultimate Puberty Book for Boys_ – Scott Todnem
·      _The Growing Up Guide for Girls – What Girls on the Autism Spectrum Need to know!_ - Davida Hartman, illustrated by Margaret Anne Suggs
·      _Secret Boys' business – second edition_ - Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Jeff Taylor 
·      _More Secret Girls’ Business _- Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Jeff Taylor
·      _Special Girls’ Business _– _This book has been written for girls with special needs_ - Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Julie Davey 
·      _Special Boys’ Business –_ _This book has been written for boys with special needs_ - Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Jeff Taylor
·      _Puberty and Special Girls – This book has been written for girls with special needs - _Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Jeff Taylor
·      _The Autism-Friendly Guide to Periods_ – Robyn Steward
·      _Boyfriends + Girlfriends – A guide to dating for people with disabilities_ – Terri Couwenhoven 
·      _Leroy Learns about the Big 'P'_** **- John Hibbs
·      _The Boys’ Guide to Growing Up _– _Choices and Changes during Puberty_ – Terri Couwenhoven
·      _All about Growing Up_ – Family Planning NZ
·      _The Girls’ Guide to Growing Up _– _Choices and Changes in the Tween Years_ – Terri Couwenhoven

**Books for Adults from the IHC Library**
·      _When Young People with Intellectual Disabilities and Autism Hit Puberty – A Parents' Q&A Guide to Health, Sexuality and Relationships_ – Freddy Jackson Brown, Sarah Brown 
·      _Safety and Consent for Kids and Teens with Autism or Special Needs _– _A Parents’ Guide_ – Debra S. Jacobs
·      _Sexuality – Your Sons and Daughters with Intellectual Disabilities –_ Karin Melberg Schwier, Dave Hingsburger
·      _The_ _Facts of Life and More – Sexuality and Intimacy for People with Intellectual Disabilities_ – Leslie Walker-Hirsch
·      _Masturbation, Autism and Learning Disabilities – A Guide for Parents and Professionals _– Mel Gadd
·      _Sex and Relationships Education for Young People and Adults with Intellectual disabilities and Autism_ -Dr Kelly Asagba, Professor Jan Burns, Dr Sophie Doswell
·      _Hygiene and Related Behaviours for Children and Adolescents with Autism Spectrum and related Disorders_ - Kelly Mahlere 
·      _Relationship Building and Sexual Awareness for Kids with Autism_ – Susan Heighway, Susan Kidd Webster
·      _Sexuality and Learning Disabilities – A Handbook_ - edited by Claire Bates
·      _Sexuality and Intellectual disabilities – A guide for Professionals_ – Andrew Maxwell Triska 
·      _Let's Talk about Sex_ - Dr Sarah Ashworth, Dr Hannah Carton
·      _Intellectual disability and the right to a sexual life – A Continuation of the Autonomy/Paternalism Debate -_ Simon Foley
** **
**DVDs from the IHC Library (also available for online streaming)**
·      _Tara Grows Up – A guide to periods and puberty for young women with intellectual disabilities_ - IHC
·      _Billy Grows Up – A guide to puberty for boys and young men with intellectual disabilities_ -IHC
** **
**Helpful websites**:
KidsHealth: [www.kidshealth](https://airtable.com/appn2L5x1RcCxUgbL/tblITCUmWEEryL5rk/viwEOU9lHO8URJknX/www.kidshealth).[org.nz/sexual-behaviour-children-young-people](https://airtable.com/appn2L5x1RcCxUgbL/tblITCUmWEEryL5rk/viwEOU9lHO8URJknX/org.nz/sexual-behaviour-children-young-people)
Rainbow Youth: [www.ry.org.nz](https://airtable.com/appn2L5x1RcCxUgbL/tblITCUmWEEryL5rk/viwEOU9lHO8URJknX/www.ry.org.nz)
Healthify He Puna Waiora: [www.healthify.nz/health-a-z/c/consent/](https://airtable.com/appn2L5x1RcCxUgbL/tblITCUmWEEryL5rk/viwEOU9lHO8URJknX/www.healithfy.nz/health-a-z/c/consent/)
Body Image Movement: [www.bodyimagemovement.com](http://www.bodyimagemovement.com/)
Nest Consulting: [www.nestconsulting.nz/healthy-relationships/student-qa/](https://airtable.com/appn2L5x1RcCxUgbL/tblITCUmWEEryL5rk/viwEOU9lHO8URJknX/www.nestconsulting.nz/healthy-relationships/student-qa/)
Anxiety NZ: [www.anxiety.org.nz](http://www.anxiety.org.nz/)
Skylight: [www.skylight.org.nz](http://www.skylight.org.nz/)
Depression NZ: [www.depression.org.nz](http://www.depression.org.nz/)

**Helplines:**
Anxiety New Zealand: 0800 269 4389 (0800 ANXIETY)
1737: Free call or text 1737 to talk to a trained counsellor
Depression.org.nz: 0800 111 757 or text 4202
Kidsline (for people up to 18 years): 0800 543 754
Whats Up (for 5 to 18-year-olds): 0800 942 8787
thelowdown.co.nz , Web chat, email chat or free text 5626
Youthline: 0800 376 633, free text 234, email talk@youthline.co.nz
Lifeline: 0800 543 354
Samaritans: 0800 726 666
Suicide Crisis helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)



A woman looks in the mirror, she has an artificial leg

How can I help my teenage child to develop a positive body image?

positive body image and disability, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, neurodivergency, body positivity

Teenagers are prone to having crushes, being rejected, experimenting with sex, going on dates, and then moving on to the next infatuation. 
It may be hard for you as a parent, but your disabled child has as much right to have their heart broken as any other teen! 

Relationships, both romantic and non-sexual, are where we learn our negotiation skills as well as how to be empathetic and caring. They are also where we learn the importance of being assertive and true to ourselves and to reap the benefits of intimacy and connection. 

Supporting your child to have good relationship skills, and creating opportunities for them to develop those skills, is crucial.

If your teenager has not shown any interest in developing romantic interests, think about, whether inadvertently you may have given them the message that in some way these types of relationships are not for them. 

Protecting your child is a natural instinct, but we need to honour, respect and encourage their desire to become an active romantic and sexual being. 

### What can we do?

If your child hasn’t mentioned any crushes or love interests to you, you may need to **initiate conversations on the topic**. Perhaps they’re too shy or embarrassed or think you won’t approve.  Let them know you’re interested in whatever they have to tell you, without judgement or criticism. They may be confused or exploring their sexual identity – let them know they’ve got your support.

**Explain the social rules around sex and dating.** This means knowing about boundaries in different relationships – good and bad touch, consensual sex, interpersonal space, knowing the difference between a friendly and a romantic relationship. 

**Teach them about the stepping stones of a relationship** from an initial attraction, to asking someone out, getting to know them and to gradually developing intimacy. 

**Help them with the more subtle aspects of dating and relating** – reading other people’s body language, understanding and respecting other people’s emotions and responses.

**Answer fully any questions they have about their own developing bodies and sexuality.**  Make sure they know about contraception, how to prevent sexually transmitted infections or diseases.  Knowing about good hygiene and self-care is also a must.

**Consider enlisting some of their peers or family members to role-play** how they might behave in certain situations. For example, they might practice how to ask someone out on a date. Or they might role-play how they could respond in an argument with a partner.

**Help them to identify and cope with feelings** that may seem overwhelming at the time – such as hurt and anger when a relationship comes to an end but is not of their choosing, or when they themselves feel unhappy or trapped in a relationship.

**Build their self-esteem** by allowing them to make their own choices, to increase their autonomy and to express their own personal tastes and preferences. 

While all of the above are important, they are redundant unless your child has opportunities to make the romantic connections they desire. 

Disabled and neurodivergent teens can be socially isolated, and it can be more difficult for them to engage with the world physically and emotionally. This is where they may need your support the most. So do your best to get them to dances, sporting and community events, to join interest groups and possibly consider online dating if they're over 18. 

The teenage years are when we earn our chops when it comes to learning good relationship skills, which will serve us well for the rest of our lives.  Our sense of well-being is largely dependent on our ability to build and maintain positive relationships.

## ‘We cannot live without relationships, and we cannot live well without high-quality relationships’ – Leslie Walker Hirsch

You might also be interested in the podcast ['Why are you so obsessed with my sex life?](http://.www.interactives.stuff.co.nz/2021/08/whats-wrong-with-you-podcast/transcript/WWWY-Episode-4-Dating-transcript.pdf.) Disability and Dating, produced by Auckland-based disability advocates Olivia Shivas and Rebecca Duder.

For more on puberty, the following articles are available on Awhi Nga Matua. 
·        _How can I support my teenage disabled/autistic child explore their sexuality?_
·        _How can I help my disabled/autistic child navigate the emotional storms of puberty?_
·        _Help! My teenager is using pornography and I don’t know what to do?_
·        _Help! How can I teach my disabled/autistic teenager that good hygiene is important?_
·        _How can I help my disabled/autistic child manage their periods?_
·        _Help! How can I teach my child what’s okay and what’s not, when it comes to masturbation?_
·        _My child is going through puberty – what is appropriate for their intimate care plan?_
·        _How can I help my disabled child with their body image?_
You might also find the resources below useful, which includes books from the IHC Library as well as helpful website and helpline numbers. Or contact the IHC library direct to have a chat about what you need on 0800 442 442 or email: [Librarian@ihc.org.nz](mailto:Librarian@ihc.org.nz).

**Kids’ Books from the IHC Library**
·        _Things Ellie Likes – A book about sexuality and masturbation for girls and young women with autism and related conditions_ - Kate E. Reynolds, illustrated by Jonathan Powell
·        _Things Tom Likes _– A book about sexuality and masturbation for boys and young men with autism and related conditions - Kate E. Reynolds, illustrated by Jonathan Powell
·        _Growing Up Great! The Ultimate Puberty Book for Boys_ – Scott Todnem
·        _The Growing Up Guide for Girls – What Girls on the Autism Spectrum Need to know!_ - Davida Hartman, illustrated by Margaret Anne Suggs
·        _Secret Boys' business – second edition_ - Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Jeff Taylor 
·        _More Secret Girls’ Business _- Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Jeff Taylor
·        _Special Girls’ Business _– _This book has been written for girls with special needs_ - Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Julie Davey 
·        _Special Boys’ Business –_ _This book has been written for boys with special needs_ - Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Jeff Taylor
·        _Puberty and Special Girls – This book has been written for girls with special needs - _Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Jeff Taylor
·        _The Autism-Friendly Guide to Periods_ – Robyn Steward
·        _Boyfriends + Girlfriends – A guide to dating for people with disabilities_ – Terri Couwenhoven 
·        _Leroy Learns about the Big 'P'_** **- John Hibbs
·        _The Boys’ Guide to Growing Up _– _Choices and Changes during Puberty_ – Terri Couwenhoven
·        _All about Growing Up_ – Family Planning NZ
·        _The Girls’ Guide to Growing Up _– _Choices and Changes in the Tween Years_ – Terri Couwenhoven
** **
**Books for Adults from the IHC Library**
·        _When Young People with Intellectual Disabilities and Autism Hit Puberty – A Parents' Q&A Guide to Health, Sexuality and Relationships_ – Freddy Jackson Brown, Sarah Brown 
·        _Safety and Consent for Kids and Teens with Autism or Special Needs _– _A Parents’ Guide_ – Debra S. Jacobs
·        _Sexuality – Your Sons and Daughters with Intellectual Disabilities –_ Karin Melberg Schwier, Dave Hingsburger
·        _The_ _Facts of Life and More – Sexuality and Intimacy for People with Intellectual Disabilities_ – Leslie Walker-Hirsch
·        _Masturbation, Autism and Learning Disabilities – A Guide for Parents and Professionals _– Mel Gadd
·        _Sex and Relationships Education for Young People and Adults with Intellectual disabilities and Autism_ -Dr Kelly Asagba, Professor Jan Burns, Dr Sophie Doswell
·        _Hygiene and Related Behaviours for Children and Adolescents with Autism Spectrum and related Disorders_ - Kelly Mahlere 
·        _Relationship Building and Sexual Awareness for Kids with Autism_ – Susan Heighway, Susan Kidd Webster
·        _Sexuality and Learning Disabilities – A Handbook_ - edited by Claire Bates
·        _Sexuality and Intellectual disabilities – A guide for Professionals_ – Andrew Maxwell Triska 
·        _Let's Talk about Sex_ - Dr Sarah Ashworth, Dr Hannah Carton
·        _Intellectual disability and the right to a sexual life – A Continuation of the Autonomy/Paternalism Debate -_ Simon Foley
** **
**DVDs from the IHC Library (also available for online streaming)**
·        _Tara Grows Up – A guide to periods and puberty for young women with intellectual disabilities_ - IHC
·        _Billy Grows Up – A guide to puberty for boys and young men with intellectual disabilities_ -IHC
** **
**Helpful websites:**
·        Body Image Movement: [www.bodyimagemovement.com](http://www.bodyimagemovement.com/)
·        KidsHealth: [www.kidshealth](https://airtable.com/appn2L5x1RcCxUgbL/tblITCUmWEEryL5rk/viwEOU9lHO8URJknX/www.kidshealth).[org.nz/sexual-behaviour-children-young-people](https://airtable.com/appn2L5x1RcCxUgbL/tblITCUmWEEryL5rk/viwEOU9lHO8URJknX/org.nz/sexual-behaviour-children-young-people)
·        Rainbow Youth: [www.ry.org.nz](https://airtable.com/appn2L5x1RcCxUgbL/tblITCUmWEEryL5rk/viwEOU9lHO8URJknX/www.ry.org.nz)
·        Healthify He Puna Waiora: [www.healthify.nz/health-a-z/c/consent/](https://airtable.com/appn2L5x1RcCxUgbL/tblITCUmWEEryL5rk/viwEOU9lHO8URJknX/www.healithfy.nz/health-a-z/c/consent/)
·        Nest Consulting: [www.nestconsulting.nz/healthy-relationships/student-qa/](https://airtable.com/appn2L5x1RcCxUgbL/tblITCUmWEEryL5rk/viwEOU9lHO8URJknX/www.nestconsulting.nz/healthy-relationships/student-qa/)
·        All is for All: All is for All: [www.allisforall.com](https://airtable.com/appn2L5x1RcCxUgbL/tblITCUmWEEryL5rk/viwEOU9lHO8URJknX/www.allisforall.com)
				Anxiety NZ: [www.anxiety.org.nz](http://www.anxiety.org.nz/)
·        Skylight: [www.skylight.org.nz](http://www.skylight.org.nz/)
·        Depression NZ: [www.depression.org.nz](http://www.depression.org.nz/)
**Helplines:**
·        Anxiety New Zealand: 0800 269 4389 (0800 ANXIETY)
·        1737: Free call or text 1737 to talk to a trained counsellor
·        Depression.org.nz: 0800 111 757 or text 4202
·        Kidsline (for people up to 18 years): 0800 543 754
·        Whats Up (for 5 to 18-year-olds): 0800 942 8787
·        thelowdown.co.nz , Web chat, email chat or free text 5626
·        Youthline: 0800 376 633, free text 234, email talk@youthline.co.nz
·        Lifeline: 0800 543 354
·        Samaritans: 0800 726 666
·        Suicide Crisis helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)



Four teenagers sit together. One has their arm around the other. Another drinks a soft drink.

My teenager wants to have a boyfriend/girlfriend, but I think they might get hurt - what can I do?

Disabled teenagers dating, my disabled teen wants to date 

**How can I help my disabled and/or neurodivergent child manage their periods? It's a question we get a lot.**

Puberty is an inevitability for children of all genders. If children are not expecting them, the onset of periods can be frightening, so advance warning is needed.

If your child is disabled and/or neurodivergent there are added factors to consider.

For example, if your child has difficulty learning new processes or routines, they may need your help to practice using menstrual products such as sanitary pads, tampons, menstrual cups, periods underwear and panty liners. 

Use techniques that have helped your child acquire new skills previously – repetition, breaking tasks down into smaller steps, visual reminders, and the use of picture books, DVDs and social stories. 

It is important also if your child is non-speaking that they have communication aides to let your or others know if they need pain relief or assistance.

If your child is neurodivergent, they may experience periods differently to neurotypical people. Potentially, they could experience their period as a ‘loss’. 

Use concrete terms to explain to your child that a period is their body’s way of keeping itself healthy, as it cleans out its womb every month. 

Neurodivergent children might have sensory issues or difficulties with interoception. This may have an effect on the menstrual products they use and how they use them. For example, hyposensitive children, who are indifferent to strong smells, may need to be taught the importance of changing their pads regularly. Conversely, those with a heightened sensitivity to smells, may need to be encouraged not to change their menstrual products too often, or they may prefer to use tampons over pads. 

Reduced interoception may also mean children need reminders to replace menstrual products, as they can be unaware of the wet or heavy sensation of a period product that needs replacing.  

### Other common concerns:
Children may be concerned that they will be considered ‘dirty’. Reassure them that periods are a sign their body is healthy and working as it should. 
Also let them know not to worry if their friends start their periods before or after them.** Everyone is different, and that’s okay.**
Ensure children know how to use period products to stop blood getting on their underwear, clothes and bedding. But make sure they know that occasional accidents can happen and **it’s nothing to worry about or be ashamed of.**
Make sure children know how often they can expect their periods to occur and how long for. **Also tell them about how they might feel – both physically and emotionally – at different times of the month. **They may have spots, feel bloated or tearful for no apparent reason. Let them know this is all normal.
For any physical discomfort make sure they are able to ask for help and to receive anything that will help - painkillers, wheat bags, hot water bottles. Or if they’re at school, they can spend some quiet time in the sick bay.
**Educate them about the social rules around periods** – that is, there are times when it’s okay to talk about your period, and other times when it’s less acceptable. For example, they can usually talk about periods with their friends, but it’s best not to tell the school bus driver or the postman. 

Finally, let your child know that lots of things can seem scary or overwhelming when they first happen, but after a while, they become no big deal – periods are no different. 

For a lived perspective on what it is to be disabled and having to deal with periods [click here.](http://www.allisforall.com/amplify/lived-experiences/this-hurts) 

Some books and resources on neurodivergency and menstruation do not take into consideration the high rate of gender non-conformity, gender indifference, and gender variance in neurodivergent children. This may mean the books available follow a gender binary that may not be suitable for your neurodivergent child. 

For more Awhi Nga Matua articles on puberty, you might like to take a squizz at the following. 
_How can I support my teenage disabled/autistic child explore their sexuality?_
·      _How can I help my disabled/autistic child navigate the emotional storms of puberty?_
·      _My teenager wants to have a boyfriend/girlfriend, but I think they might get hurt - what can I do?_
·      _Help! My teenager is using pornography and I don’t know what to do_
·      _Help! How can I teach my disabled/autistic child that good hygiene is important?_
·     _Help! How can I teach my child what’s okay and what’s not, when it comes to masturbation?_ 
·      _My child is going through puberty – what is appropriate for their intimate care plan?_
·      _How can I help my disabled child with their body image?_

You might also find the resources below useful, which includes books from the IHC Library as well as helpful website and helpline numbers. Or contact the IHC library direct to have a chat about what you need on 0800 442 442 or email: [Librarian@ihc.org.nz](mailto:Librarian@ihc.org.nz).
**Kids’ Books from the IHC Library**
·      _Things Ellie Likes – A book about sexuality and masturbation for girls and young women with autism and related conditions_ - Kate E. Reynolds, illustrated by Jonathan Powell
·      _Things Tom Likes _– A book about sexuality and masturbation for boys and young men with autism and related conditions - Kate E. Reynolds, illustrated by Jonathan Powell
·      _Growing Up Great! The Ultimate Puberty Book for Boys_ – Scott Todnem
·      _The Growing Up Guide for Girls – What Girls on the Autism Spectrum Need to know!_ - Davida Hartman, illustrated by Margaret Anne Suggs
·      _Secret Boys' business – second edition_ - Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Jeff Taylor 
·      _More Secret Girls’ Business _- Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Jeff Taylor
·      _Special Girls’ Business _– _This book has been written for girls with special needs_ - Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Julie Davey 
·      _Special Boys’ Business –_ _This book has been written for boys with special needs_ - Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Jeff Taylor
·      _Puberty and Special Girls – This book has been written for girls with special needs - _Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Jeff Taylor
·      _The Autism-Friendly Guide to Periods_ – Robyn Steward
·      _Boyfriends + Girlfriends – A guide to dating for people with disabilities_ – Terri Couwenhoven 
·      _Leroy Learns about the Big 'P'_** **- John Hibbs
·      _The Boys’ Guide to Growing Up _– _Choices and Changes during Puberty_ – Terri Couwenhoven
·      _All about Growing Up_ – Family Planning NZ
·      _The Girls’ Guide to Growing Up _– _Choices and Changes in the Tween Years_ – Terri Couwenhoven

**Books for Adults from the IHC Library**
·      _When Young People with Intellectual Disabilities and Autism Hit Puberty – A Parents' Q&A Guide to Health, Sexuality and Relationships_ – Freddy Jackson Brown, Sarah Brown 
·      _Safety and Consent for Kids and Teens with Autism or Special Needs _– _A Parents’ Guide_ – Debra S. Jacobs
·      _Sexuality – Your Sons and Daughters with Intellectual Disabilities –_ Karin Melberg Schwier, Dave Hingsburger
·      _The_ _Facts of Life and More – Sexuality and Intimacy for People with Intellectual Disabilities_ – Leslie Walker-Hirsch
·      _Masturbation, Autism and Learning Disabilities – A Guide for Parents and Professionals _– Mel Gadd
·      _Sex and Relationships Education for Young People and Adults with Intellectual disabilities and Autism_ -Dr Kelly Asagba, Professor Jan Burns, Dr Sophie Doswell
·      _Hygiene and Related Behaviours for Children and Adolescents with Autism Spectrum and related Disorders_ - Kelly Mahlere 
·      _Relationship Building and Sexual Awareness for Kids with Autism_ – Susan Heighway, Susan Kidd Webster
·      _Sexuality and Learning Disabilities – A Handbook_ - edited by Claire Bates
·      _Sexuality and Intellectual disabilities – A guide for Professionals_ – Andrew Maxwell Triska 
·      _Let's Talk about Sex_ - Dr Sarah Ashworth, Dr Hannah Carton
·      _Intellectual disability and the right to a sexual life – A Continuation of the Autonomy/Paternalism Debate -_ Simon Foley
** **
**DVDs from the IHC Library (also available for online streaming)**
·      _Tara Grows Up – A guide to periods and puberty for young women with intellectual disabilities_ - IHC
·      _Billy Grows Up – A guide to puberty for boys and young men with intellectual disabilities_ -IHC
** **
**Helpful websites:**
Autism Friendly Periods: [www.autismfriendlyperiods.com/period-underwear](http://www.autismfriendlyperiods.com/period-underwear)
Modibodi Period Panties: [www.modibodi.co.nz](http://www.modibodi.co.nz/)
AWWA Period Underwear: [www.awwaperiodcare.com](http://www.awwaperiodcare.com/)
Body Image Movement: [www.bodyimagemovement.com](http://www.bodyimagemovement.com/)
KidsHealth: [www.kidshealth](https://airtable.com/appn2L5x1RcCxUgbL/tblITCUmWEEryL5rk/viwEOU9lHO8URJknX/www.kidshealth).[org.nz/sexual-behaviour-children-young-people](https://airtable.com/appn2L5x1RcCxUgbL/tblITCUmWEEryL5rk/viwEOU9lHO8URJknX/org.nz/sexual-behaviour-children-young-people)
Rainbow Youth: [www.ry.org.nz](https://airtable.com/appn2L5x1RcCxUgbL/tblITCUmWEEryL5rk/viwEOU9lHO8URJknX/www.ry.org.nz)
Healthify He Puna Waiora: [www.healthify.nz/health-a-z/c/consent/](https://airtable.com/appn2L5x1RcCxUgbL/tblITCUmWEEryL5rk/viwEOU9lHO8URJknX/www.healithfy.nz/health-a-z/c/consent/)
Nest Consulting: [www.nestconsulting.nz/healthy-relationships/student-qa/](https://airtable.com/appn2L5x1RcCxUgbL/tblITCUmWEEryL5rk/viwEOU9lHO8URJknX/www.nestconsulting.nz/healthy-relationships/student-qa/)
All is for All: [www.allisforall.com](www.allisforall.com)
Anxiety NZ: [www.anxiety.org.nz](http://www.anxiety.org.nz/)
Skylight: [www.skylight.org.nz](http://www.skylight.org.nz/)
Depression NZ: [www.depression.org.nz](http://www.depression.org.nz/)

**Helplines:**
Anxiety New Zealand: 0800 269 4389 (0800 ANXIETY)
1737: Free call or text 1737 to talk to a trained counsellor
Depression.org.nz: 0800 111 757 or text 4202
Kidsline (for people up to 18 years): 0800 543 754
Whats Up (for 5 to 18-year-olds): 0800 942 8787
thelowdown.co.nz , Web chat, email chat or free text 5626
Youthline: 0800 376 633, free text 234, email talk@youthline.co.nz
Lifeline: 0800 543 354
Samaritans: 0800 726 666
Suicide Crisis helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)




How can I help my child manage their periods?

menstruation and disability, neurodivergency and periods, periods and autism, puberty and autism

**How can I support my teenage disabled and/or neurodivergent child to explore their sexuality?**

Spots, pubic hair, infatuations, rejection, confusion, blood in your knickers, spontaneous erections, and sticky sheets. These are all speedbumps on the road to becoming a fully sexual human being, which most of us put up with and may even be proud of, as they track our transition from childhood to adulthood.

Puberty is a time when we get an inkling of who we may be in this world, how we fit in, and who we might want to share it with.

Most children will be told about the mechanics of puberty before they start hitting those milestones – what periods are, how our bodies will change, what this means for our fertility. But the real angst and confusion goes beyond these physical changes, and this is where your child may really need your support.

All too often disabled and/or neurodivergent young people are left out of conversations amongst peers on exploring gender roles, early sexual experiences, romantic aspirations. Sometimes they do not have access to formal relationship and sex education at schools either.

If you think this may be the case for your child, it may be up to you to let your child know you support and respect their right: to explore their sexuality; to decide what gender they identify with, to pursue intimate relationships; to masturbate in the privacy of their own home. 

This may not sound easy, but it is important to lay the foundations for honest and open conversations about sex and relationships as early as possible.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking just because your child hasn’t shown any overt interest in sex, puberty or relationships, that they’re not interested. Sexuality and relationship advice and information are relevant to _all _young people. 

If we arm our children with accurate knowledge and self-respect for their bodies and their sexuality, and with the communication skills to let us know how they’re feeling, we are protecting them against abuse and exploitation. We are also letting them know we believe they are deserving of positive, healthy, and happy sexual and romantic relationships. 

In 1986 British campaigner Ann Craft identified three sexual rights for intellectually disabled people.

- The right to know (about sex).
- The right to be sexual.
- The right not to be sexually abused.

She was ahead of her time and since then, the right to marry, have children and be sexual has been enshrined in the _United Nations Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities_

### Key messages we need our children to_ hear_
- We respect and acknowledge their right to become sexual, independent human beings. 
- We are there to support them with love, information, and a willing ear for whatever they’re feeling or going through.
- We recognize their right to make decisions about how they wish to express their gender and their individuality. Disabled and neurodivergent young people are as likely to identify as LGBTQ+ as anyone else - in fact, some surveys have shown neurodivergent people are more likely to be gender non-conforming, gender diverse, or transgender. They may need our help in articulating this aspect of themselves.
- Allow them to take necessary risks which will build their confidence and self-esteem.
- Enable them to make decisions about their personal care, especially regarding intimate care. 
- Let them know it is normal to have sexual and romantic feelings. It is also normal to experience pain and frustration if those feelings are not requited. Help them to name and process these feelings.
- Support them in developing connections, friendships, and relationships independently from us. 
- Enable them to advocate for themselves and their right to be a sexual citizen.
- Avoid telling them sex is only possible within a loving relationship, as this can lead to confusion and negative self-perceptions.
- Above all make sure they know they are deserving of love, connection, and respect.

### Key things we need to _do_
- Provide our children with opportunities to be alone with their peers and to develop independent relationships.
- Make sure your child has the communication skills to say ‘no’. This means saying ‘no’ to any touch or intimate contact they dislike. It also means saying ‘no’ to unwanted relationships and knowing how to end a relationship. If they're non-speaking - a firm hand in the stop position or making verbal noises is important. 
- Instill crucial life skills – how to have good personal hygiene, how to be less reliant on adults and be more independent.
- Make sure they know the difference between public and private, especially when it comes to expressing their sexuality.
- Teach them the social rules around sexual behaviour and respecting other people’s boundaries. 
- Communicate with your child’s school  - discuss any areas of concern and ensure they are supporting your child as you would like. For example, if your child likes to express their gender in a way that's different to the socially expected way their gender is stereotypically expressed, make sure their school has an appropriately tolerant and accepting culture. 

Lastly don’t underestimate how important these issues may be for your child. Trying to protect your child from sex and relationships won’t work. Your child has the right to grow up – and inevitably pain, heartbreak and difficulties come with the territory. 

Good conversations around sexuality and relationships will lay the foundations for growth and aspirations for the future.

With your help, your child can discover exactly who they are and be proud of that person.

For more on puberty, the following articles are available on Awhi Nga Matua. 
·      _How can I help my disabled/autistic child navigate the emotional storms of puberty?_
·      _My teenager wants to have a boyfriend/girlfriend, but I think they might get hurt - what can I do?_
·      _Help! My teenager is using pornography and I don’t know what to do_
·      _Help! How can I teach my disabled/autistic teenager that good hygiene is important?_
·      _How can I help my disabled/autistic child manage their periods?_
·      _Help! How can I teach my child what's okay and what's not, when it comes to masturbation?_
·      _My child is going through puberty – what is appropriate for their intimate care plan?_
·      _How can I help my disabled child with their body image?_

To read about one young person's experience of re-discovering their sex life after a spinal cord injury, read here . .  [www.allisforall.com/amplify/lived-experiences/turn-me-on-navigating-sex-after-a-spinal-cord-injury](www.allisforall.com/amplify/lived-experiences/turn-me-on-navigating-sex-after-a-spinal-cord-injury)
'Why are you so obsessed with my sex life? Disability and Dating, is a podcast by Auckland-based disability advocates Olivia Shivas and Rebecca Duder - read the transcript here . . .[www.interactives.stuff.co.nz/2021/08/whats-wrong-with-you-podcast/transcript/WWWY-Episode-4-Dating-transcript.pdf](www.interactives.stuff.co.nz/2021/08/whats-wrong-with-you-podcast/transcript/WWWY-Episode-4-Dating-transcript.pdf)

You might also find the resources below useful, which includes books from the IHC Library as well as helpful website and helpline numbers. Or contact the IHC library direct to have a chat about what you need on 0800 442 442 or email: [Librarian@ihc.org.nz](mailto:Librarian@ihc.org.nz).
**Kids’ Books from the IHC Library**
·      _Things Ellie Likes – A book about sexuality and masturbation for girls and young women with autism and related conditions_ - Kate E. Reynolds, illustrated by Jonathan Powell
·      _Things Tom Likes _– A book about sexuality and masturbation for boys and young men with autism and related conditions - Kate E. Reynolds, illustrated by Jonathan Powell
·      _Growing Up Great! The Ultimate Puberty Book for Boys_ – Scott Todnem
·      _The Growing Up Guide for Girls – What Girls on the Autism Spectrum Need to know!_ - Davida Hartman, illustrated by Margaret Anne Suggs
·      _Secret Boys' business – second edition_ - Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Jeff Taylor 
·      _More Secret Girls’ Business _- Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Jeff Taylor
·      _Special Girls’ Business _– _This book has been written for girls with special needs_ - Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Julie Davey 
·      _Special Boys’ Business –_ _This book has been written for boys with special needs_ - Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Jeff Taylor
·      _Puberty and Special Girls – This book has been written for girls with special needs - _Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Jeff Taylor
·      _The Autism-Friendly Guide to Periods_ – Robyn Steward
·      _Boyfriends + Girlfriends – A guide to dating for people with disabilities_ – Terri Couwenhoven 
·      _Leroy Learns about the Big 'P'_** **- John Hibbs
·      _The Boys’ Guide to Growing Up _– _Choices and Changes during Puberty_ – Terri Couwenhoven
·      _All about Growing Up_ – Family Planning NZ
·      _The Girls’ Guide to Growing Up _– _Choices and Changes in the Tween Years_ – Terri Couwenhoven

**Books for Adults from the IHC Library**
·      _When Young People with Intellectual Disabilities and Autism Hit Puberty – A Parents' Q&A Guide to Health, Sexuality and Relationships_ – Freddy Jackson Brown, Sarah Brown 
·      _Safety and Consent for Kids and Teens with Autism or Special Needs _– _A Parents’ Guide_ – Debra S. Jacobs
·      _Sexuality – Your Sons and Daughters with Intellectual Disabilities –_ Karin Melberg Schwier, Dave Hingsburger
·    _  The_ _Facts of Life and More – Sexuality and Intimacy for People with Intellectual Disabilities_ – Leslie Walker-Hirsch
·      _Masturbation, Autism and Learning Disabilities – A Guide for Parents and Professionals _– Mel Gadd
·      _Sex and Relationships Education for Young People and Adults with Intellectual disabilities and Autism_ -Dr Kelly Asagba, Professor Jan Burns, Dr Sophie Doswell
·      _Hygiene and Related Behaviours for Children and Adolescents with Autism Spectrum and related Disorders_ - Kelly Mahlere 
·      _Relationship Building and Sexual Awareness for Kids with Autism_ – Susan Heighway, Susan Kidd Webster
·      _Sexuality and Learning Disabilities – A Handbook_ - edited by Claire Bates
·      _Sexuality and Intellectual disabilities – A guide for Professionals_ – Andrew Maxwell Triska 
·      _Let's Talk about Sex_ - Dr Sarah Ashworth, Dr Hannah Carton
·      _Intellectual disability and the right to a sexual life – A Continuation of the Autonomy/Paternalism Debate -_ Simon Foley
** **
**DVDs from the IHC Library (also available for online streaming)**
·      _Tara Grows Up – A guide to periods and puberty for young women with intellectual disabilities_ - IHC
·      _Billy Grows Up – A guide to puberty for boys and young men with intellectual disabilities_ -IHC
** **
**Helpful websites:**
KidsHealth: [www.kidshealth](www.kidshealth).[org.nz/sexual-behaviour-children-young-people](org.nz/sexual-behaviour-children-young-people)
Rainbow Youth: [www.ry.org.nz](www.ry.org.nz)
Healthify He Puna Waiora: [www.healthify.nz/health-a-z/c/consent/](www.healithfy.nz/health-a-z/c/consent/)
Body Image Movement: [www.bodyimagemovement.com](http://www.bodyimagemovement.com/)
Nest Consulting: [www.nestconsulting.nz/healthy-relationships/student-qa/](www.nestconsulting.nz/healthy-relationships/student-qa/)
All is for All: [www.allisforall.com](www.allisforall.com)
Anxiety NZ: [www.anxiety.org.nz](http://www.anxiety.org.nz/)
Skylight: [www.skylight.org.nz](http://www.skylight.org.nz/)
Depression NZ: [www.depression.org.nz](http://www.depression.org.nz/)

**Helplines:**
Anxiety New Zealand: 0800 269 4389 (0800 ANXIETY)
1737: Free call or text 1737 to talk to a trained counsellor
Depression.org.nz: 0800 111 757 or text 4202
Kidsline (for people up to 18 years): 0800 543 754
Whats Up (for 5 to 18-year-olds): 0800 942 8787
thelowdown.co.nz , Web chat, email chat or free text 5626
Youthline: 0800 376 633, free text 234, email talk@youthline.co.nz
Lifeline: 0800 543 354
Samaritans: 0800 726 666
Suicide Crisis helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)




How can I support my teenager to explore their sexuality?

Disability and sexuality, helping my disabled child explore their sexuality, puberty and disability, neurodivergent teenager is transgender, sexuality and neurodivergent teenagers

Some disabled children will require assistance with intimate care from childhood through to adulthood.  This can become problematic as they enter puberty – causing potential distress and embarrassment.

As a parent this can be upsetting for you too and it is normal to feel a range of emotions from frustration to sadness and even anger. It is not easy knowing that your child will never be as independent as you, and they, would wish for themselves.

The guiding principle to help them through what can be a difficult time is to allow your child as much autonomy and choice over their care, as possible. 
They should make the decisions about who carries out their care and how it should be done, within reason.

If your child is non-speaking, they may express their preferences through communication aides or through their behaviour.  Respect their wishes, or find a compromise, if necessary. 

It may be that as their parent you have always provided your child’s intimate care yourself – but as they mature, your child may prefer others to carry out these tasks. Alternatively, _you _may be the only person they trust and feel comfortable with to provide intimate care. 

Be patient as they learn how to do the tasks that come with puberty– read books together that explain what happens when they get their period or have a wet dream. Or watch DVDs. I If you are using visual schedules, introduce new symbols as needed. For example, if your child will need to change their tampon or pad at school, having an image of a sanitary pad, reminding them to change it at regular intervals. Social stories can also be useful to explain and reinforce new routines. 

When sorting out these issues, it’s a good idea to develop an **intimate care plan**, if you don’t already have one, or to update your existing one. It should detail your child’s preferences - who they are comfortable with providing intimate care, what kind of interaction is or isn’t okay, what may trigger a negative reaction. Document what your child can do themselves, and what they are learning to do. Clarify the best means of communication – for some children this may include visual diaries, social stories or sign language.

The more your child has a sense of control over their body and their own privacy, the more comfortable and empowered they are likely to feel.

If they require intimate care at school, make sure their carer at school is familiar with the intimate care plan and honours your child’s preferences and requirements. 

**Having multiple intimate care providers in different environments is one known risk factor leading to physical or sexual abuse for disabled people. **
Beyond the obvious steps of thoroughly vetting all intimate care providers and limiting their number and places where it occurs,** there are other things you can do.**

- Good sex and relationships education is important as it clarifies the difference between sexual touch and that required by intimate care. 
- Make sure your child knows what constitutes abuse, and of their right to complain. Also make sure they know how to say ‘no’, or to communicate their non-consent.
- It can be difficult for disabled children to be listened to and believed.  Always listen to their concerns and pay attention to any signs of distress – changes in their behaviour, moodiness, or acting out sexually. There can be other reasons for all these things but investigate anyway.
-  Make sure carers are thoroughly familiar with your child’s intimate care plan to ensure consistent, appropriate care. 
- Check in with your child regularly to see if they are comfortable with their intimate care and that it is being carried out in a respectful and safe way. You may need to update your child’s intimate care plan as they grow and develop.

### Things for parents to remember:
- Be honest with yourself if you no longer feel comfortable providing your child with intimate care. This can be particularly difficult when your child has an adult’s body, but without being mature in other ways. Recognise they are no longer a child and both you and they may benefit from an honest conversation about getting someone else to provide personal care.
- Recognise that your teenage child may be frustrated at requiring your intimate care, at a time when they are programmed to distance themselves from you.
- **Make sure your child has private time and respect their efforts to manage more of their own personal care. **
- It is quite common and normal for young men to get erections during intimate care. **Don’t panic – at this age almost anything can trigger an erection. **But see if there is anything you can do to change your routine that will make an erection less likely – can they do some aspect of the task themselves? Importantly, try to manage any awkward feelings you may have, so that your child doesn’t feel shamed or embarrassed. Let them know it’s not a big deal.
- It can feel hard to let go, but by allowing your child to have greater physical and emotional distance from you may be the thing that allows you both to feel okay.

For more on puberty, the following articles are available on Awhi Nga Matua. 
·      _How can I support my teenage disabled/autistic child explore their sexuality?_
·      _How can I help my disabled/autistic child navigate the emotional storms of puberty?_
·     _ My teenager wants to have a boyfriend/girlfriend, but I think they might get hurt - what can I do?_
·      _Help! My teenager is using pornography and I don’t know what to do_
·     _ Help! How can I teach my disabled/autistic teenager that good hygiene is important?_
·      _How can I help my disabled/autistic child manage their periods?_
·      _Help! How can I teach my child what's okay and what's not, when it comes to masturbation?_
·      _How can I help my disabled child with their body image?_

You might also find the resources below useful, which includes books from the IHC Library as well helpful website and helpline numbers. Or contact the IHC library direct to have a chat about what you need on 0800 442 442 or email: [Librarian@ihc.org.nz](mailto:Librarian@ihc.org.nz).
**Kids’ Books from the IHC Library**
·      _Things Ellie Likes – A book about sexuality and masturbation for girls and young women with autism and related conditions_ - Kate E. Reynolds, illustrated by Jonathan Powell
·      _Things Tom Likes _– A book about sexuality and masturbation for boys and young men with autism and related conditions - Kate E. Reynolds, illustrated by Jonathan Powell
·      _Growing Up Great! The Ultimate Puberty Book for Boys_ – Scott Todnem
·      _The Growing Up Guide for Girls – What Girls on the Autism Spectrum Need to know!_ - Davida Hartman, illustrated by Margaret Anne Suggs
·      _Secret Boys' business – second edition_ - Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Jeff Taylor 
·      _More Secret Girls’ Business _- Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Jeff Taylor
·      _Special Girls’ Business _– _This book has been written for girls with special needs_ - Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Julie Davey 
·      _Special Boys’ Business –_ _This book has been written for boys with special needs_ - Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Jeff Taylor
·      _Puberty and Special Girls – This book has been written for girls with special needs - _Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Jeff Taylor
·      _The Autism-Friendly Guide to Periods_ – Robyn Steward
·      _Boyfriends + Girlfriends – A guide to dating for people with disabilities_ – Terri Couwenhoven 
·      _Leroy Learns about the Big 'P'_** **- John Hibbs
·      _The Boys’ Guide to Growing Up _– _Choices and Changes during Puberty_ – Terri Couwenhoven
·      _All about Growing Up_ – Family Planning NZ
·      _The Girls’ Guide to Growing Up _– _Choices and Changes in the Tween Years_ – Terri Couwenhoven

**Books for Adults from the IHC Library**
·      _When Young People with Intellectual Disabilities and Autism Hit Puberty – A Parents' Q&A Guide to Health, Sexuality and Relationships_ – Freddy Jackson Brown, Sarah Brown 
·      _Safety and Consent for Kids and Teens with Autism or Special Needs _– _A Parents’ Guide_ – Debra S. Jacobs
·      _Sexuality – Your Sons and Daughters with Intellectual Disabilities –_ Karin Melberg Schwier, Dave Hingsburger
·    _The_ _Facts of Life and More – Sexuality and Intimacy for People with Intellectual Disabilities_ – Leslie Walker-Hirsch
·      _Masturbation, Autism and Learning Disabilities – A Guide for Parents and Professionals _– Mel Gadd
·      _Sex and Relationships Education for Young People and Adults with Intellectual disabilities and Autism_ -Dr Kelly Asagba, Professor Jan Burns, Dr Sophie Doswell
·      _Hygiene and Related Behaviours for Children and Adolescents with Autism Spectrum and related Disorders_ - Kelly Mahlere 
·      _Relationship Building and Sexual Awareness for Kids with Autism_ – Susan Heighway, Susan Kidd Webster
·      _Sexuality and Learning Disabilities – A Handbook_ - edited by Claire Bates
·      _Sexuality and Intellectual disabilities – A guide for Professionals_ – Andrew Maxwell Triska 
·      _Let's Talk about Sex_ - Dr Sarah Ashworth, Dr Hannah Carton
·      _Intellectual disability and the right to a sexual life – A Continuation of the Autonomy/Paternalism Debate -_ Simon Foley
** **
**DVDs from the IHC Library (also available for online streaming)**
·      _Tara Grows Up – A guide to periods and puberty for young women with intellectual disabilities_ - IHC
·      _Billy Grows Up – A guide to puberty for boys and young men with intellectual disabilities_ -IHC
** **
**Helpful website**s:
·        Body Image Movement: [www.bodyimagemovement.com](http://www.bodyimagemovement.com/)
·        KidsHealth: [www.kidshealth](https://airtable.com/appn2L5x1RcCxUgbL/tblITCUmWEEryL5rk/viwEOU9lHO8URJknX/www.kidshealth).[org.nz/sexual-behaviour-children-young-people](https://airtable.com/appn2L5x1RcCxUgbL/tblITCUmWEEryL5rk/viwEOU9lHO8URJknX/org.nz/sexual-behaviour-children-young-people)
·        Rainbow Youth: [www.ry.org.nz](https://airtable.com/appn2L5x1RcCxUgbL/tblITCUmWEEryL5rk/viwEOU9lHO8URJknX/www.ry.org.nz)
·        Healthify He Puna Waiora: [www.healthify.nz/health-a-z/c/consent/](https://airtable.com/appn2L5x1RcCxUgbL/tblITCUmWEEryL5rk/viwEOU9lHO8URJknX/www.healithfy.nz/health-a-z/c/consent/)
·        Nest Consulting: [www.nestconsulting.nz/healthy-relationships/student-qa/](https://airtable.com/appn2L5x1RcCxUgbL/tblITCUmWEEryL5rk/viwEOU9lHO8URJknX/www.nestconsulting.nz/healthy-relationships/student-qa/)
·        All is for All: [www.allisforall.com](https://airtable.com/appn2L5x1RcCxUgbL/tblITCUmWEEryL5rk/viwEOU9lHO8URJknX/www.allisforall.com)
				Anxiety NZ: [www.anxiety.org.nz](http://www.anxiety.org.nz/)
·        Skylight: [www.skylight.org.nz](http://www.skylight.org.nz/)
·        Depression NZ: [www.depression.org.nz](http://www.depression.org.nz/)

**Helplines:**
Anxiety New Zealand: 0800 269 4389 (0800 ANXIETY)
1737: Free call or text 1737 to talk to a trained counsellor
Depression.org.nz: 0800 111 757 or text 4202
Kidsline (for people up to 18 years): 0800 543 754
Whats Up (for 5 to 18-year-olds): 0800 942 8787
thelowdown.co.nz , Web chat, email chat or free text 5626
Youthline: 0800 376 633, free text 234, email talk@youthline.co.nz
Lifeline: 0800 543 354
Samaritans: 0800 726 666
Suicide Crisis helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)



My child is going through puberty - What is appropriate for their intimate care plan?

intimate care plan, helping disabled child with puberty, helping autistic child periods, erections, wet dreams, helping neurodivergent child puberty, sex

Puberty can be a time of emotional turmoil and angst – not for all teenagers, but definitely for some. The same is true of disabled and/or neurodivergent children. 

It seems a cliché to refer to moody teenagers, but there are emotional, biological, and social reasons that lie behind the stereotype. Hormone fluctuations that drive the physical changes in your teenager, can also play havoc with their emotions. Over-sensitivity, having a short-temper, hyperactivity, tearfulness and anger are just some of the emotional states your typical teen may go through over a day, sometimes within a matter of minutes!

But don’t be tempted to blame your child’s erratic behaviour entirely on hormones and puberty, it is important to investigate if there are other reasons for their behaviour.  Bullying at school, struggling with academic pressures or confusion about their sexual identity, are all possible contenders too. Simple explanations are not always the best fit – answers are more likely if you recognize your teen as the multi-layered, complex human being they are.

### Top tips for supporting your teen:
- Resist the temptation to judge and lecture and opt for listening and supporting instead. 
- Acknowledge and validate their feelings.
- Don’t try and solve their problems for them – instead talk about possible approaches they could take to resolve the issue. Let them take the lead.
- Don’t take it personally when your child finds you embarrassing or annoying. Remember they are in the process of finding out who they are and putting distance between themselves and you are part of the process.
- Balance allowing your child to take necessary risks to grow and mature and maintaining boundaries that tell your child you are looking out for them.
- Give your child plenty of opportunities to make choices and to manage the risks that may be associated with those choices.
- Allow your child to go in their own direction – whether it’s forming new relationships, developing new hobbies and interests, trying on their new identity for size.

### Top tips for supporting your disabled/autistic teen:
All the above tips apply to disabled and neurodivergent teens too. 

Disabled/autistic children need to forge new separate identities separate to you. They need opportunities to take risks. They need privacy for their emerging sexuality, and they need to make their own choices. It can be tough on parents of a disabled/autistic children whose instinct has always been to hold them close. But it is important to accept that now is the time to ‘let go’ of your child, while still being there in the background to catch them if they need you to.

Some disabled children will have difficult understanding and identifying the new, intense feelings they are experiencing. It may be up to you to help them label and express these feelings in a healthy way. 

Talk to your child about what is happening with their body and their emotions. Use picture cards, signing, books and social stories if this is something they understand and will respond well to. 

### Key messages for your teen to hear:
- You love and support them and will respect their choices if they are healthy ones that help them grow.
- These feelings they’ve having are normal and are part of being a teenager. They may seem overwhelming at times, but it won’t always be like this. 
- There are techniques to manage your feelings when they seem like they’re out of control
- Take a step back and look at yourself from ‘the outside’. Don’t judge the feelings you’re having but acknowledge them. Take a breath and give yourself a chance to calm down. 
- If you’re home and upset, let your family know you’re going to take some quiet time, in your bedroom perhaps, and you’ll come back when you’re feeling better.
- Do something that relaxes you – listen to your favourite tracks, play a musical instrument, practice some mindful breathing, go outside and enjoy the sun or the feel of the wind on your face. 
- Make sure you’re getting enough sleep and good things to eat.
- Talk to your parents or a trusted adult you trust about anything that’s bothering you. 
- Get creative – do some writing, make some music, cook up a storm.
- Set aside some focus time to sets goals and challenges. Think about both your strengths and weaknesses and make an action plan. 

The emotional tumult of puberty typically last for two to three years.  This can seem like an eternity, but once you’re out the other side, with luck, you’ll have a resilient, self-aware young adult. **Just remember to be kind and respectful to yourself and them in the meantime. **

For more on puberty, the following articles are available on Awhi Nga Matua. 
·      _How can I support my teenage disabled/autistic child explore their sexuality?_
·      _My teenager wants to have a boyfriend/girlfriend, but I think they might get hurt - what can I do?_
·      _Help! My teenager is using pornography and I don’t know what to do_
·      _Help! How can I teach my disabled/autistic teenager that good hygiene is important?_
·      _How can I help my disabled/autistic child manage their periods?_
·      _Help! How can I teach my child what's okay and wha'ts not, when it comes to masturbation_?
·      _My child is going through puberty – what is appropriate for their intimate care plan?_
·      _How can I help my disabled child with their body image?_
You might also find the resources below useful, which includes books from the IHC Library as well as helpful website and helpline numbers. Or contact the IHC library direct to have a chat about what you need on 0800 442 442 or email: [Librarian@ihc.org.nz](mailto:Librarian@ihc.org.nz).
**Kids’ Books from the IHC Library**
·      _Things Ellie Likes – A book about sexuality and masturbation for girls and young women with autism and related conditions_ - Kate E. Reynolds, illustrated by Jonathan Powell
·      _Things Tom Likes _– A book about sexuality and masturbation for boys and young men with autism and related conditions - Kate E. Reynolds, illustrated by Jonathan Powell
·      _Growing Up Great! The Ultimate Puberty Book for Boys_ – Scott Todnem
·      _The Growing Up Guide for Girls – What Girls on the Autism Spectrum Need to know!_ - Davida Hartman, illustrated by Margaret Anne Suggs
·      _Secret Boys' business – second edition_ - Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Jeff Taylor 
·      _More Secret Girls’ Business _- Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Jeff Taylor
·      _Special Girls’ Business _– _This book has been written for girls with special needs_ - Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Julie Davey 
·      _Special Boys’ Business –_ _This book has been written for boys with special needs_ - Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Jeff Taylor
·      _Puberty and Special Girls – This book has been written for girls with special needs - _Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Jeff Taylor
·      _The Autism-Friendly Guide to Periods_ – Robyn Steward
·      _Boyfriends + Girlfriends – A guide to dating for people with disabilities_ – Terri Couwenhoven 
·      _Leroy Learns about the Big 'P'_** **- John Hibbs
·      _The Boys’ Guide to Growing Up _– _Choices and Changes during Puberty_ – Terri Couwenhoven
·      _All about Growing Up_ – Family Planning NZ
·      _The Girls’ Guide to Growing Up _– _Choices and Changes in the Tween Years_ – Terri Couwenhoven

**Books for Adults from the IHC Library**
·      _When Young People with Intellectual Disabilities and Autism Hit Puberty – A Parents' Q&A Guide to Health, Sexuality and Relationships_ – Freddy Jackson Brown, Sarah Brown 
·      _Safety and Consent for Kids and Teens with Autism or Special Needs _– _A Parents’ Guide_ – Debra S. Jacobs
·      _Sexuality – Your Sons and Daughters with Intellectual Disabilities –_ Karin Melberg Schwier, Dave Hingsburger
·      _The_ _Facts of Life and More – Sexuality and Intimacy for People with Intellectual Disabilities_ – Leslie Walker-Hirsch
·      _Masturbation, Autism and Learning Disabilities – A Guide for Parents and Professionals _– Mel Gadd
·      _Sex and Relationships Education for Young People and Adults with Intellectual disabilities and Autism_ -Dr Kelly Asagba, Professor Jan Burns, Dr Sophie Doswell
·      _Hygiene and Related Behaviours for Children and Adolescents with Autism Spectrum and related Disorders_ - Kelly Mahlere 
·      _Relationship Building and Sexual Awareness for Kids with Autism_ – Susan Heighway, Susan Kidd Webster
·      _Sexuality and Learning Disabilities – A Handbook_ - edited by Claire Bates
·      _Sexuality and Intellectual disabilities – A guide for Professionals_ – Andrew Maxwell Triska 
·      _Let's Talk about Sex_ - Dr Sarah Ashworth, Dr Hannah Carton
·      _Intellectual disability and the right to a sexual life – A Continuation of the Autonomy/Paternalism Debate -_ Simon Foley
** **
**DVDs from the IHC Library (also available for online streaming)**
·      _Tara Grows Up – A guide to periods and puberty for young women with intellectual disabilities_ - IHC
·      _Billy Grows Up – A guide to puberty for boys and young men with intellectual disabilities_ -IHC
** **
**Helpful websites:**
KidsHealth: [www.kidshealth](https://airtable.com/appn2L5x1RcCxUgbL/tblITCUmWEEryL5rk/viwEOU9lHO8URJknX/www.kidshealth).[org.nz/sexual-behaviour-children-young-people](https://airtable.com/appn2L5x1RcCxUgbL/tblITCUmWEEryL5rk/viwEOU9lHO8URJknX/org.nz/sexual-behaviour-children-young-people)
Rainbow Youth: [www.ry.org.nz](https://airtable.com/appn2L5x1RcCxUgbL/tblITCUmWEEryL5rk/viwEOU9lHO8URJknX/www.ry.org.nz)
Healthify He Puna Waiora: [www.healthify.nz/health-a-z/c/consent/](https://airtable.com/appn2L5x1RcCxUgbL/tblITCUmWEEryL5rk/viwEOU9lHO8URJknX/www.healithfy.nz/health-a-z/c/consent/)
Body Image Movement: [www.bodyimagemovement.com](http://www.bodyimagemovement.com/)
Nest Consulting: [www.nestconsulting.nz/healthy-relationships/student-qa/](https://airtable.com/appn2L5x1RcCxUgbL/tblITCUmWEEryL5rk/viwEOU9lHO8URJknX/www.nestconsulting.nz/healthy-relationships/student-qa/)
All is for All: [www.allisforall.com](www.allisforall.com)
Anxiety NZ: [www.anxiety.org.nz](http://www.anxiety.org.nz/)
Skylight: [www.skylight.org.nz](http://www.skylight.org.nz/)
Depression NZ: [www.depression.org.nz](http://www.depression.org.nz/)

**Helplines:**
Anxiety New Zealand: 0800 269 4389 (0800 ANXIETY)
1737: Free call or text 1737 to talk to a trained counsellor
Depression.org.nz: 0800 111 757 or text 4202
Kidsline (for people up to 18 years): 0800 543 754
Whats Up (for 5 to 18-year-olds): 0800 942 8787
thelowdown.co.nz , Web chat, email chat or free text 5626
Youthline: 0800 376 633, free text 234, email talk@youthline.co.nz
Lifeline: 0800 543 354
Samaritans: 0800 726 666
Suicide Crisis helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)



How can I help my disabled child navigate the emotional storms of puberty?

disability and puberty, puberty and neurodivergence, autism, adhd, puberty

Most of us like to keep relatively clean and tidy because it builds our self-esteem and makes us feel good.  We also usually care what other people think of us, and we know good hygiene is important for maintaining good health.

Often, we developed those good hygiene skills when we were teenagers, when along with an awareness of our changing bodies we became interested in sex and romance.

But not all teenagers develop this awareness, or the motivation to learn about and maintain good hygiene. **Disabled and neurodivergent teenagers are more likely than most to be unaware of the social rules around good hygiene, and sometimes to struggle with acquiring the necessary skills**.

Which is why it often comes down to those of us who care about them to help our kids with a few helpful pointers and reinforcement along the way.

Many parents of disabled children devise their own **sex and relationship education programme** that they can teach at home, which meets their child’s particular learning style and needs.

If so, a key component of that programme should be on **personal care – dressing, showering, using deodorant, oral hygiene, how to shave, managing your period, dealing with acne, wet dreams**. It should also include advice on avoiding certain behaviours in public, such as picking your nose, spots, or teeth or scratching an itchy crotch or butt!

**Use teaching techniques that have worked with your child before** – breaking down tasks into smaller steps, providing lots of opportunities for practice, praising them for every achievement, no matter how small and providing meaningful rewards. 

**Also think about the most effective way of communicating with your child **– they may benefit from visual reminders and include pictures of any new additions to their cleaning routine – for example – include pictures of deodorants, shavers, sanitary pads – whatever is relevant.

**Getting your child’s buy-in** to their new routine can be made easier if you give them choice over the new products to use – for example, let them choose the deodorant they want, whether it’s because they love the picture on the outside of the bottle, or they adore the way it smells.

**For some children, especially autistic children, sensory issues may interfere with establishing good hygiene habits**. It is quite common for autistic children to dislike the feeling of water from a showerhead on their skin. The solution may be to drop the water-pressure in your showerhead, or for your child to have baths instead.  Sensory issues may also interfere with period management – limiting or exaggerating your child’s inclination to change their sanitary product.  

For more on this topic check out the Awhi article- _How can I help my disabled child manage their periods?_ 

It can also be an issue for disabled and/or neurodivergent children that they are unaware or indifferent to the social rules around hygiene, as well as the health implications. **Most parents, however, will be acutely aware that disabled children are subject to more judgement and scrutiny than other children**, and so it becomes even more important to reinforce good grooming and hygiene.

Not all children will be able to grasp or practice all the aspects of a good personal self-care routine but do as much as you can to instill those skills that they can learn. Others will be acutely aware of the barriers to managing their own self-care, such as a physical impediment, and are likely to be frustrated by this barrier to their independence.

For all teens, as they grow and develop, improving their ability to manage intimate tasks themselves, will improve their self-esteem and sense of autonomy. 

For those children requiring an intimate care plan, check out the Awhi article **_My child is going through puberty – what is appropriate for their intimate care plan_?**

Finally, remember, there are some fundamental objectives to a good personal care programme:
- Teach and reinforce skills for good hygiene practices.
- Help your child understand the social rules that underpin good grooming and hygiene.
- Reinforce the concept of public and private behaviour – for example, it is okay to comb your hair in public, but it is not okay to change your tampon with the toilet door open. 

For more on puberty, the following articles are available on Awhi Nga Matua. 
- _How can I support my teenage disabled/autistic child explore their sexuality?_
- _How can I help my disabled/autistic child navigate the emotional storms of puberty?_
- _My teenager wants to have a boyfriend/girlfriend, but I think they might get hurt – what can I do?_
- _Help! My teenager is using pornography and I don’t know what to do?_
- _Help! How can I teach my child what’s okay and what’s not, when it comes to masturbation?_
- _How can I help my disabled child with their body image_?

You might also find the resources below useful, which includes books from the IHC Library as well as helpful website and helpline numbers. Or contact the IHC library direct to have a chat about what you need on 0800 442 442 or email: [Librarian@ihc.org.nz](mailto:Librarian@ihc.org.nz).

**Helplines:**
Anxiety New Zealand: 0800 269 4389 (0800 ANXIETY)
1737: Free call or text 1737 to talk to a trained counsellor
Depression.org.nz: 0800 111 757 or text 4202
Kidsline (for people up to 18 years): 0800 543 754
Whats Up (for 5 to 18-year-olds): 0800 942 8787
thelowdown.co.nz , Web chat, email chat or free text 5626
Youthline: 0800 376 633, free text 234, email talk@youthline.co.nz
Lifeline: 0800 543 354
Samaritans: 0800 726 666
Suicide Crisis helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)


a young person washes their face in the bathroom sink

Help! How can I teach my teenager that good hygiene is important?

Disabled teenagers hygiene, teaching autistic teen hygiene, how to teach my autistic disabled teenager to clean themselves, teaching personal hygiene

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Depression NZ

"This website helps New Zealanders recognise and understand depression and anxiety. We want to reduce the impact that depression and anxiety have on the lives of New Zealanders by encouraging early recognition and help-seeking.
This website is full of ideas and stories to help people with depression and anxiety get to a better place. " -- from the website

Depression NZ

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