How can I help my disabled child navigate the emotional storms of puberty?

Puberty can be a time of emotional turmoil and angst – not for all teenagers, but definitely for some. The same is true of disabled and/or neurodivergent children.

It seems a cliché to refer to moody teenagers, but there are emotional, biological, and social reasons that lie behind the stereotype. Hormone fluctuations that drive the physical changes in your teenager, can also play havoc with their emotions. Over-sensitivity, having a short-temper, hyperactivity, tearfulness and anger are just some of the emotional states your typical teen may go through over a day, sometimes within a matter of minutes!

But don’t be tempted to blame your child’s erratic behaviour entirely on hormones and puberty, it is important to investigate if there are other reasons for their behaviour.  Bullying at school, struggling with academic pressures or confusion about their sexual identity, are all possible contenders too. Simple explanations are not always the best fit – answers are more likely if you recognize your teen as the multi-layered, complex human being they are.

Top tips for supporting your teen:

• Resist the temptation to judge and lecture and opt for listening and supporting instead.
• Acknowledge and validate their feelings.
• Don’t try and solve their problems for them – instead talk about possible approaches they could take to resolve the issue. Let them take the lead.
• Don’t take it personally when your child finds you embarrassing or annoying. Remember they are in the process of finding out who they are and putting distance between themselves and you are part of the process.
• Balance allowing your child to take necessary risks to grow and mature and maintaining boundaries that tell your child you are looking out for them.
• Give your child plenty of opportunities to make choices and to manage the risks that may be associated with those choices.
• Allow your child to go in their own direction – whether it’s forming new relationships, developing new hobbies and interests, trying on their new identity for size.

Top tips for supporting your disabled/autistic teen:

All the above tips apply to disabled and neurodivergent teens too.

Disabled/autistic children need to forge new separate identities separate to you. They need opportunities to take risks. They need privacy for their emerging sexuality, and they need to make their own choices. It can be tough on parents of a disabled/autistic children whose instinct has always been to hold them close. But it is important to accept that now is the time to ‘let go’ of your child, while still being there in the background to catch them if they need you to.

Some disabled children will have difficult understanding and identifying the new, intense feelings they are experiencing. It may be up to you to help them label and express these feelings in a healthy way.

Talk to your child about what is happening with their body and their emotions. Use picture cards, signing, books and social stories if this is something they understand and will respond well to.

Key messages for your teen to hear:

• You love and support them and will respect their choices if they are healthy ones that help them grow.
• These feelings they’ve having are normal and are part of being a teenager. They may seem overwhelming at times, but it won’t always be like this.
• There are techniques to manage your feelings when they seem like they’re out of control
• Take a step back and look at yourself from ‘the outside’. Don’t judge the feelings you’re having but acknowledge them. Take a breath and give yourself a chance to calm down.
• If you’re home and upset, let your family know you’re going to take some quiet time, in your bedroom perhaps, and you’ll come back when you’re feeling better.
• Do something that relaxes you – listen to your favourite tracks, play a musical instrument, practice some mindful breathing, go outside and enjoy the sun or the feel of the wind on your face.
• Make sure you’re getting enough sleep and good things to eat.
• Talk to your parents or a trusted adult you trust about anything that’s bothering you.
• Get creative – do some writing, make some music, cook up a storm.
• Set aside some focus time to sets goals and challenges. Think about both your strengths and weaknesses and make an action plan.

The emotional tumult of puberty typically last for two to three years.  This can seem like an eternity, but once you’re out the other side, with luck, you’ll have a resilient, self-aware young adult. **Just remember to be kind and respectful to yourself and them in the meantime. **

For more on puberty, the following articles are available on Awhi Nga Matua.
·      How can I support my teenage disabled/autistic child explore their sexuality?
·      My teenager wants to have a boyfriend/girlfriend, but I think they might get hurt - what can I do?
·      Help! My teenager is using pornography and I don’t know what to do
·      Help! How can I teach my disabled/autistic teenager that good hygiene is important?
·      How can I help my disabled/autistic child manage their periods?
·      Help! How can I teach my child what's okay and wha'ts not, when it comes to masturbation?
·      My child is going through puberty – what is appropriate for their intimate care plan?
·      How can I help my disabled child with their body image?
You might also find the resources below useful, which includes books from the IHC Library as well as helpful website and helpline numbers. Or contact the IHC library direct to have a chat about what you need on 0800 442 442 or email: Librarian@ihc.org.nz.
Kids’ Books from the IHC Library
·      Things Ellie Likes – A book about sexuality and masturbation for girls and young women with autism and related conditions - Kate E. Reynolds, illustrated by Jonathan Powell
·      _Things Tom Likes _– A book about sexuality and masturbation for boys and young men with autism and related conditions - Kate E. Reynolds, illustrated by Jonathan Powell
·      Growing Up Great! The Ultimate Puberty Book for Boys – Scott Todnem
·      The Growing Up Guide for Girls – What Girls on the Autism Spectrum Need to know! - Davida Hartman, illustrated by Margaret Anne Suggs
·      Secret Boys' business – second edition - Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Jeff Taylor 
·      _More Secret Girls’ Business _- Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Jeff Taylor
·      _Special Girls’ Business _– This book has been written for girls with special needs - Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Julie Davey
·      Special Boys’ Business – This book has been written for boys with special needs - Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Jeff Taylor
·      _Puberty and Special Girls – This book has been written for girls with special needs - _Rose Stewart, Fay Angelo, Heather Anderson, illustrated by Jeff Taylor
·      The Autism-Friendly Guide to Periods – Robyn Steward
·      Boyfriends + Girlfriends – A guide to dating for people with disabilities – Terri Couwenhoven 
·      Leroy Learns about the Big 'P'** **- John Hibbs
·      _The Boys’ Guide to Growing Up _– Choices and Changes during Puberty – Terri Couwenhoven
·      All about Growing Up – Family Planning NZ
·      _The Girls’ Guide to Growing Up _– Choices and Changes in the Tween Years – Terri Couwenhoven

Books for Adults from the IHC Library
·      When Young People with Intellectual Disabilities and Autism Hit Puberty – A Parents' Q&A Guide to Health, Sexuality and Relationships – Freddy Jackson Brown, Sarah Brown
·      _Safety and Consent for Kids and Teens with Autism or Special Needs _– A Parents’ Guide – Debra S. Jacobs
·      Sexuality – Your Sons and Daughters with Intellectual Disabilities – Karin Melberg Schwier, Dave Hingsburger
·      The Facts of Life and More – Sexuality and Intimacy for People with Intellectual Disabilities – Leslie Walker-Hirsch
·      _Masturbation, Autism and Learning Disabilities – A Guide for Parents and Professionals _– Mel Gadd
·      Sex and Relationships Education for Young People and Adults with Intellectual disabilities and Autism -Dr Kelly Asagba, Professor Jan Burns, Dr Sophie Doswell
·      Hygiene and Related Behaviours for Children and Adolescents with Autism Spectrum and related Disorders - Kelly Mahlere 
·      Relationship Building and Sexual Awareness for Kids with Autism – Susan Heighway, Susan Kidd Webster
·      Sexuality and Learning Disabilities – A Handbook - edited by Claire Bates
·      Sexuality and Intellectual disabilities – A guide for Professionals – Andrew Maxwell Triska
·      Let's Talk about Sex - Dr Sarah Ashworth, Dr Hannah Carton
·      Intellectual disability and the right to a sexual life – A Continuation of the Autonomy/Paternalism Debate - Simon Foley
** **
DVDs from the IHC Library (also available for online streaming)
·      Tara Grows Up – A guide to periods and puberty for young women with intellectual disabilities - IHC
·      Billy Grows Up – A guide to puberty for boys and young men with intellectual disabilities -IHC
** **
Helpful websites:
KidsHealth: www.kidshealth.org.nz/sexual-behaviour-children-young-people
Rainbow Youth: www.ry.org.nz
Healthify He Puna Waiora: www.healthify.nz/health-a-z/c/consent/
Body Image Movement: www.bodyimagemovement.com
Nest Consulting: www.nestconsulting.nz/healthy-relationships/student-qa/
All is for All: www.allisforall.com
Anxiety NZ: www.anxiety.org.nz
Skylight: www.skylight.org.nz
Depression NZ: www.depression.org.nz

Helplines:
Anxiety New Zealand: 0800 269 4389 (0800 ANXIETY)
1737: Free call or text 1737 to talk to a trained counsellor
Depression.org.nz: 0800 111 757 or text 4202
Kidsline (for people up to 18 years): 0800 543 754
Whats Up (for 5 to 18-year-olds): 0800 942 8787
thelowdown.co.nz , Web chat, email chat or free text 5626
Youthline: 0800 376 633, free text 234, email talk@youthline.co.nz
Lifeline: 0800 543 354
Samaritans: 0800 726 666
Suicide Crisis helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)

Resources for kids

Things Ellie likes :

Things Ellie likes :

"A simple picture book to teach girls and young women with autism...

"A simple picture book to...

Things Ellie likes :

Things Ellie likes :

"A simple picture book to teach girls and young women with autism...

"A simple picture book to...

Things Tom likes :

Things Tom likes :

"A simple picture book to teach boys and young men with autism or...

"A simple picture book to...

Things Tom likes :

Things Tom likes :

"A simple picture book to teach boys and young men with autism or...

"A simple picture book to...

Growing up great! :

Growing up great! :

"Growing Up Great is a body-positive guide to getting through...

"Growing Up Great is a...

The growing up guide for girls :

The growing up guide for girls :

"The Growing Up Guide for Girls is a one-stop guide for young girls...

"The Growing Up Guide for...

Secret boys' business /

Secret boys' business /

Secret boys' business assists boys to understand the changes that...

Secret boys' business...

More secret girls' business

More secret girls' business

This is a companion volume to "Secret Girls Business". In addition...

This is a companion volume...

Special girls' business

Special girls' business

Takes a girl and her carer step by step through the process of...

Takes a girl and her carer...

Special boys' business

Special boys' business

This book has been written for boys with special needs. It supports...

This book has been written...

Puberty and special girls

Puberty and special girls

"Provides practical information about growing up and will help...

"Provides practical...

The autism-friendly guide to periods /

The autism-friendly guide to periods /

Written by autistic author Robyn Steward, this is a detailed guide...

Written by autistic author...

The autism-friendly guide to periods /

The autism-friendly guide to periods /

Written by autistic author Robyn Steward, this is a detailed guide...

Written by autistic author...

Boyfriends & girlfriends :

Boyfriends & girlfriends :

"Boyfriends & Girlfriends is for parents and professionals caring...

"Boyfriends & Girlfriends...

Leroy learns about the big P :

Leroy learns about the big P :

"This unique young person's book has been developed by a very...

"This unique young person's...

The boys' guide to growing up :

The boys' guide to growing up :

"As a sexuality educator, I applaud Terri for tackling this crucial...

"As a sexuality educator, I...

All about growing up

All about growing up

"This workbook has been designed for young people living with mild...

"This workbook has been...

The girls' guide to growing up :

The girls' guide to growing up :

"Puberty is a challenging time for all young adults. Now girls with...

"Puberty is a challenging...

Meryl Richards

I’m Meryl Richards. What a pleasure it’s been to join the Awhi team. I get to spend my days researching information that supports me as a parent, and sometimes challenges me to rethink what I thought I knew. My hope is that it will be useful to you too. I live in Kapiti with my partner and two teenage boys, and spend as much time as possible in the surrounding bush and at the beach.