If anxiety has had a negative impact on your life, it’s natural that you don't want your child to struggle too.

Everyone feels anxious at some point in their lives – the key isn't to prevent anxiety altogether, but to manage it effectively.

Young children are sponges and can internalise behaviours and attitudes. Managing anxiety can be hard, but if you're able to manage it, you'll be showing your children that they can manage theirs too.

How do I do that?

First, recognise the key components to your anxiety – for some people this means worrying excessively, negative thoughts, perfectionistic tendencies, exaggerating problems, and being overly concerned with other people’s opinions.

Learn how to self soothe – challenge your pessimistic thinking. Ask yourself if there is any real basis to your fears. And if ‘the worst’ happens, what could you do about it? Would it really be so bad?

Be aware when your ‘inner-voice’ becomes self-sabotaging.  Talk to yourself as kindly and reassuringly as you would to your child. Become your own ally, adviser and supporter.

Build your confidence and resilience. Model the behaviours and attitudes you want your children to have. 

Be open about your anxiety. This shows your children that it isn't something to be ashamed of – it’s just another a part of who you are, and we can learn how to cope with it and not let it interfere with our lives.

Prioritise self-care. Cutting back on caffeine, alcohol, and getting enough sleep is important for wellbeing. Think about what makes you feel good – connecting with friends, spending time on a hobby, walking on the beach – and think about what gets in the way of you doing those things.

Key messages for parents

Children are very sensitive to your feelings and reactions, so it’s important not to give your child the message that their anxiety is worrying you, as they may think this means there’s something wrong with them.

Take a curious, rather than emotional approach when asking your child about what frightens them and why.

Don’t ask your child repeatedly how they’re feeling, or send them texts asking them where they are, or use a GPS locator to pinpoint their whereabouts. You and your child both need to be okay with sometimes not knowing.

Don’t protect your child from challenges. This will only undermine their self-confidence in pursuing goals. It may also lead to them relying on others to keep them safe.

Help your child embrace their shortcomings as well as their strengths.

Remember, even small behavioural changes on your part, modelling how to handle anxiety, can positively influence your child.

Be supportive, but don’t over-praise your child. When they’re away from you and praise is not so forthcoming, their self-esteem may suffer as well as their trust in your judgement.

Too much reassurance can also be undermining, as children become less able to handle doubt, and ironically, become more anxious in the process.

Never be sarcastic or critical to your child. Let them know we all make mistakes and ask them what they could do differently next time.

Share your stories of your own failures and struggles. Make sure you let them know you re-framed them as an opportunity to learn and grow. 

Retain your highest praise for when your child manages to do something hard despite their anxiety, rather than pursuing an ‘anxiety-free’ life.

Encourage your child to tell you about how they overcame a challenge and how that made them feel.

Every child needs to learn how to cope with disappointment and failure. The only thing any of us truly have control over is our own attitude and behaviour.

Key messages for children

• Making mistakes and feeling embarrassed is normal – just as much as having fun and being happy
• Taking risks is a good thing – they make you braver and stronger.
• Nobody’s perfect. Who’d want to be?
• No-one knows what’s going to happen tomorrow, next week or next year – and that’s okay.
• Don’t avoid doing things just because they make you feel a little scared. YOU’RE in control of your life, NOT your anxiety. 

Finally, encourage your child to have a kind and compassionate attitude towards themselves, and to everyone else in their lives.

Remember this phrase ‘I’m doing the best I can with what I have, and so is everyone else’. Make it your motto, as well as your child’s!

You might find the helplines below useful, or for more resources contact the IHC library to have a chat about what you need on 0800 442 442 or email Librarian@ihc.org.nz

Helplines:

• Anxiety New Zealand: 0800 269 4389 (0800 ANXIETY)
• 1737: Free call or text 1737 to talk to a trained counsellor
• Depression.org.nz: 0800 111 757 or text 4202
• Kidsline (for people up to 18 years): 0800 543 754
• Whats Up (for 5 to 18-year-olds): 0800 942 8787
• thelowdown.co.nz , Web chat, email chat or free text 5626
• Youthline: 0800 376 633, free text 234, email talk@youthline.co.nz
• Lifeline: 0800 543 354
• Samaritans: 0800 726 666
• Suicide Crisis helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)