Puberty can be a time of emotional turmoil and angst – not for all teenagers, but definitely for some. The same is true of disabled and/or neurodivergent children.

It seems a cliché to refer to moody teenagers, but there are emotional, biological, and social reasons that lie behind the stereotype. Hormone fluctuations that drive the physical changes in your teenager, can also play havoc with their emotions. Over-sensitivity, having a short-temper, hyperactivity, tearfulness and anger are just some of the emotional states your typical teen may go through over a day, sometimes within a matter of minutes!

But don’t be tempted to blame your child’s erratic behaviour entirely on hormones and puberty, it is important to investigate if there are other reasons for their behaviour.  Bullying at school, struggling with academic pressures or confusion about their sexual identity, are all possible contenders too. Simple explanations are not always the best fit – answers are more likely if you recognize your teen as the multi-layered, complex human being they are.

Top tips for supporting your teen:

• Resist the temptation to judge and lecture and opt for listening and supporting instead.
• Acknowledge and validate their feelings.
• Don’t try and solve their problems for them – instead talk about possible approaches they could take to resolve the issue. Let them take the lead.
• Don’t take it personally when your child finds you embarrassing or annoying. Remember they are in the process of finding out who they are and putting distance between themselves and you are part of the process.
• Balance allowing your child to take necessary risks to grow and mature and maintaining boundaries that tell your child you are looking out for them.
• Give your child plenty of opportunities to make choices and to manage the risks that may be associated with those choices.
• Allow your child to go in their own direction – whether it’s forming new relationships, developing new hobbies and interests, trying on their new identity for size.

Top tips for supporting your disabled/autistic teen:

All the above tips apply to disabled and neurodivergent teens too.

Disabled/autistic children need to forge new separate identities separate to you. They need opportunities to take risks. They need privacy for their emerging sexuality, and they need to make their own choices. It can be tough on parents of a disabled/autistic children whose instinct has always been to hold them close. But it is important to accept that now is the time to ‘let go’ of your child, while still being there in the background to catch them if they need you to.

Some disabled children will have difficult understanding and identifying the new, intense feelings they are experiencing. It may be up to you to help them label and express these feelings in a healthy way.

Talk to your child about what is happening with their body and their emotions. Use picture cards, signing, books and social stories if this is something they understand and will respond well to.

Key messages for your teen to hear:

• You love and support them and will respect their choices if they are healthy ones that help them grow.
• These feelings they’ve having are normal and are part of being a teenager. They may seem overwhelming at times, but it won’t always be like this.
• There are techniques to manage your feelings when they seem like they’re out of control
• Take a step back and look at yourself from ‘the outside’. Don’t judge the feelings you’re having but acknowledge them. Take a breath and give yourself a chance to calm down.
• If you’re home and upset, let your family know you’re going to take some quiet time, in your bedroom perhaps, and you’ll come back when you’re feeling better.
• Do something that relaxes you – listen to your favourite tracks, play a musical instrument, practice some mindful breathing, go outside and enjoy the sun or the feel of the wind on your face.
• Make sure you’re getting enough sleep and good things to eat.
• Talk to your parents or a trusted adult you trust about anything that’s bothering you.
• Get creative – do some writing, make some music, cook up a storm.
• Set aside some focus time to sets goals and challenges. Think about both your strengths and weaknesses and make an action plan. 

The emotional tumult of puberty typically last for two to three years.  This can seem like an eternity, but once you’re out the other side, with luck, you’ll have a resilient, self-aware young adult. Just remember to be kind and respectful to yourself and them in the meantime.  

Helplines:

Anxiety New Zealand: 0800 269 4389 (0800 ANXIETY)

1737: Free call or text 1737 to talk to a trained counsellor

Depression.org.nz: 0800 111 757 or text 4202

Kidsline (for people up to 18 years): 0800 543 754

Whats Up (for 5 to 18-year-olds): 0800 942 8787

thelowdown.co.nz , Web chat, email chat or free text 5626

Youthline: 0800 376 633, free text 234, email talk@youthline.co.nz

Lifeline: 0800 543 354

Samaritans: 0800 726 666

Suicide Crisis helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)