How can I support my teenage disabled and/or neurodivergent child to explore their sexuality?

Spots, pubic hair, infatuations, rejection, confusion, blood in your knickers, spontaneous erections, and sticky sheets. These are all speedbumps on the road to becoming a fully sexual human being, which most of us put up with and may even be proud of, as they track our transition from childhood to adulthood.

Puberty is a time when we get an inkling of who we may be in this world, how we fit in, and who we might want to share it with.

Most children will be told about the mechanics of puberty before they start hitting those milestones – what periods are, how our bodies will change, what this means for our fertility. But the real angst and confusion goes beyond these physical changes, and this is where your child may really need your support. 

All too often disabled and/or neurodivergent young people are left out of conversations amongst peers on exploring gender roles, early sexual experiences, romantic aspirations. Sometimes they do not have access to formal relationship and sex education at schools either. 

If you think this may be the case for your child, it may be up to you to let your child know you support and respect their right: to explore their sexuality; to decide what gender they identify with, to pursue intimate relationships; to masturbate in the privacy of their own home.

This may not sound easy, but it is important to lay the foundations for honest and open conversations about sex and relationships as early as possible.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking just because your child hasn’t shown any overt interest in sex, puberty or relationships, that they’re not interested. Sexuality and relationship advice and information are relevant to all young people. 

If we arm our children with accurate knowledge and self-respect for their bodies and their sexuality, and with the communication skills to let us know how they’re feeling, we are protecting them against abuse and exploitation. We are also letting them know we believe they are deserving of positive, healthy, and happy sexual and romantic relationships.

In 1986 British campaigner Ann Craft identified three sexual rights for intellectually disabled people. 

• The right to know (about sex).
• The right to be sexual.
• The right not to be sexually abused.

She was ahead of her time and since then, the right to marry, have children and be sexual has been enshrined in the United Nations Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities

Key messages we need our children to hear

• We respect and acknowledge their right to become sexual, independent human beings.
• We are there to support them with love, information, and a willing ear for whatever they’re feeling or going through.
• We recognize their right to make decisions about how they wish to express their gender and their individuality. Disabled and neurodivergent young people are as likely to identify as LGBTQ+ as anyone else - in fact, some surveys have shown neurodivergent people are more likely to be gender non-conforming, gender diverse, or transgender. They may need our help in articulating this aspect of themselves.
• Allow them to take necessary risks which will build their confidence and self-esteem.
• Enable them to make decisions about their personal care, especially regarding intimate care.
• Let them know it is normal to have sexual and romantic feelings. It is also normal to experience pain and frustration if those feelings are not requited. Help them to name and process these feelings.
• Support them in developing connections, friendships, and relationships independently from us.
• Enable them to advocate for themselves and their right to be a sexual citizen.
• Avoid telling them sex is only possible within a loving relationship, as this can lead to confusion and negative self-perceptions.
• Above all make sure they know they are deserving of love, connection, and respect.

Key things we need to do

• Provide our children with opportunities to be alone with their peers and to develop independent relationships.
• Make sure your child has the communication skills to say ‘no’. This means saying ‘no’ to any touch or intimate contact they dislike. It also means saying ‘no’ to unwanted relationships and knowing how to end a relationship. If they're non-speaking - a firm hand in the stop position or making verbal noises is important.
• Instill crucial life skills – how to have good personal hygiene, how to be less reliant on adults and be more independent.
• Make sure they know the difference between public and private, especially when it comes to expressing their sexuality.
• Teach them the social rules around sexual behaviour and respecting other people’s boundaries.
• Communicate with your child’s school  - discuss any areas of concern and ensure they are supporting your child as you would like. For example, if your child likes to express their gender in a way that's different to the socially expected way their gender is stereotypically expressed, make sure their school has an appropriately tolerant and accepting culture.

Lastly don’t underestimate how important these issues may be for your child. Trying to protect your child from sex and relationships won’t work. Your child has the right to grow up – and inevitably pain, heartbreak and difficulties come with the territory.

Good conversations around sexuality and relationships will lay the foundations for growth and aspirations for the future. 

With your help, your child can discover exactly who they are and be proud of that person. 

To read about one young person's experience of re-discovering their sex life after a spinal cord injury, read here . . www.allisforall.com/amplify/lived-experiences/turn-me-on-navigating-sex-after-a-spinal-cord-injury

'Why are you so obsessed with my sex life? Disability and Dating, is a podcast by Auckland-based disability advocates Olivia Shivas and Rebecca Duder - read the transcript here . . .www.interactives.stuff.co.nz/2021/08/whats-wrong-with-you-podcast/transcript/WWWY-Episode-4-Dating-transcript.pdf 

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