A meltdown is very different from a temper tantrum, even though they might appear to be similar.

A child upset they have come up against a boundary set by a parent is not the same as neurodivergent children in sensory overload.

A tantrum is goal-oriented behaviour, for example, a child is communicating to their parent that they want their attention. A tantrum can be interrupted, and used as a learning opportunity.

A meltdown, on the other hand, is an uncontrolled reaction to overwhelming stress. The primary focus needs to be on keeping the child safe until the crisis is over. During a meltdown children have little awareness of their physical surroundings and will have difficulty understanding what is said to them.

Parents of children who have frequent meltdowns find it useful to identify what situations and triggers are most likely to cause them, and to put a plan in place to reduce those triggers.

### **Tips on what to do when your child is having a meltdown:**

- Make sure that your child is in an environment that is safe and secure.
- Try to create a quiet, calm space - turn off loud music and turn down bright lights. Try to eliminate any environmental factors that may have triggered your child.
- Ask any onlookers to give you and your child space and privacy.
- Remain calm and speak to your child very specifically and literally. Any vague or non-specific questions, such as ‘Are you okay?’ will only increase their distress. Keep in mind it may take them a while to respond.
- Let them know that you appreciate they are doing their best to deal with their stress.
- Do not judge them or attempt to lecture them on how their behaviour may affect others.
- Give them time to recover. It can take a while to recover from information or sensory overload.

It is not always easy to identify what the triggers that lead to meltdowns are. One strategy is to start a diary, recording what happened before, during and after each meltdown. This should help you gain a clearer idea on what common factors lead up to your child’s meltdowns and the things you can do to prevent them happening.

Triggers will vary from one child to the next, but common problem areas are changes in routine, anxiety, sensory overload (loud noises, crowded spaces, flashing lights), and communication difficulties. Knowing your child’s triggers will mean you can develop a plan to reduce the frequency, duration, and intensity of their meltdowns.

## The Rumble Stage

Many children will show warning signs that they are headed towards a meltdown, which is sometimes referred to as the rumble stage. They might show signs of anxiety, such as stimming, pacing, making repetitive statements or asking repetitive questions, walking in figures of eight or alternatively becoming very still (which can be known as a ‘shutdown’). At this point it may be possible to avert a full-blown meltdown with distractions or using calming strategies such as listening to music, removing any potential triggers or providing squeeze balls or fidget toys or soft toys.

## Create a tool kit

You could put together a toolkit of items most likely to calm your child – these may be stimming or fidget tools or toys such as miniature figurines, a piece of fabric they like to touch, or bubble wrap for popping. They do not need to be physical items – it could be a special song or word game your child likes to play. The toolbox can be large as it is practicable to be, that can be left with your child’s teacher or carer.

## Change your thinking....

As one expert in the field says, it can be useful to reframe the way we think about meltdowns, and accept that they are just a part of being autistic or neurodivergent for many people. “By rethinking it in positive terms it helps us feel like just a fallible human like everyone else”(Deborah Lipsky, 2011).

For more advice and tips check out the books available from the **IHC Library** listed below, or feel free to give us a call on** 0800 442 442,** or email l**ibrarian@ihc.org.nz **if you prefer.



A person in a blue sweatshirt holds a fidget spinner

What is a meltdown?

What is a meltdown? Meltdowns vs tantrums. How do I handle a meltdown? Are meltdowns tantrums?

Most parents know what it’s like to have their toddler struggle in a supermarket aisle or a busy parking lot, but they know that their child will grow out of these meltdowns as they understand their sensory needs.

This doesn’t always happen for children who are disabled or neurodivergent as they often struggle to understand the world around them. Anger and frustration can be their logical response to this. Even if, as a parent, you work hard to eliminate causes of frustration, it is inevitable that your child will still occasionally act in ways that upset and challenge you. Your child needs to know it is okay to feel angry sometimes and that you’re on their side, no matter how spectacular their outburst may have been.

Your child’s anger and how they cope with that anger is not a reflection of your parenting abilities. It is understandable if you feel stressed, embarrassed, or angry. If this is the case, don’t bottle it up. Talk to your partner, your family, a friend, or someone you trust about how you’re feeling. You are your child’s most important advocate, so it’s important for you to take care of yourself as much as you can.

Before we dive into the literature on child anger, it is important to know that experts don’t always agree on anger management strategies, which can be confusing for those trying to find answers. However, a crucial distinction is that meltdowns are a behaviour, which all children are capable of. So, while your child _may_ be having what others call a “temper tantrum”, they may also be experiencing an overload of stress.

Neurodivergent children especially, tend to suffer from cognitive or sensory overload and have what are commonly known as meltdowns. The recommended ways of dealing with meltdowns are _not** **_the same as for other angry outbursts.

### **Top tips for parents on dealing with your child’s anger:**

- **Build coping skills:** Focus on responding to your child’s difficult behaviour in a way that helps them learn some useful coping skills. Try not to see the behaviour as naughty or attention-seeking.
- **Keep expectations and goals realistic:** Have realistic goals for what your child can cope with, to avoid sensory overload.
- **Consistency is key:** It works best when everyone in your child’s life takes the same consistent, calm approach to dealing with anger.
- **Understand it’s complex:** Imagine their angry behaviour is like the tip of an iceberg. You see what’s above the surface, but the reason for their behaviour is hidden below the water.
-  **Stay calm:** Communicate calmly and clearly with your child. Don’t meet anger with anger.
- Don’t take on board other people’s judgemental attitudes when your child has an angry episode in public.
- Try to focus on keeping your child safe and appropriately cared for during their outburst. Make sure they have space to feel their feelings.
- Your child may feel stressed or angry when facing a new situation or challenge, so it’s important to let them know you’re there for them and they’re not alone.
- Remember, it’s okay not to have all the answers. Parenting is hard work and we don’t always know what to do. We can only do our best, and our best is good enough.

**Support**

**[Explore](https://www.healthcarenz.co.nz/service/explore-specialist-advice/resources-and-online-behaviour-support/) -** Explore is contracted by government to provide support to children and their families. You can access this through the Mana Whaikaha or needs assessment process. Explore also has online courses for families. These are quite comprehensive and long but you can go at your own pace when it suits you.

**[Incredible Years](https://pb4l.tki.org.nz/Incredible-Years-Parent) -** The Incredible Years Programmes are for both the parents and teachers of children aged three to eight. They help reduce challenging behaviour and increase children’s social and self-control skills. Ask your ECE head teacher or SENCO about Incredible Years.

The Incredible Years programme is a weekly session for parents over 14 weeks - it’s long but parents report that connecting with others is really useful.




How do I help my disabled child with their anger?

A parents’ guide to anger management for disabled children

Autism Anger Management, Managing Anger in Autism, Understanding Autism-Related Anger, Parenting a Child with Autism, Asperger's Syndrome and Anger, Autism Meltdowns, Low Arousal Approach to Anger, Practical Tips for Anger Prevention, Coping with Meltdowns in Autism, Helping Autistic Children Manage Feelings, Sensory Needs in Autism, Parental Support for Autism, National Autistic Society (UK), Anger Management Techniques, Autism Family Resources

Autism :  - understanding and managing anger - Andrew Powell

understanding and managing anger

"As anyone living in a family affected by autism will testify, children with autism can have a lot to contend with. While not naturally angrier than anyone else, the difficulties and uncertainties that they face in everyday life can at times be difficult to cope with. Many families affected by autism have to deal with angry outbursts or 'meltdowns'. This book - which is aimed at parents and carers of children with Asperger syndrome and high-functioning autism - talks about why children with autism become angry and some practical ways in which you can help, including preventing and managing anger; coping with meltdowns; and helping your child to manage their feelings." - BOOK JACKET|Note that the support sections refer to UK organisations and groups

Autism : understanding and managing anger

Summary

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What is a meltdown?

How do I help my disabled child with their anger?