How do I help my disabled child with their anger?

Most parents know what it’s like to have their toddler struggle in a supermarket aisle or a busy parking lot, but they know that their child will grow out of these meltdowns as they understand their sensory needs.

This doesn’t always happen for children who are disabled or neurodivergent as they often struggle to understand the world around them. Anger and frustration can be their logical response to this. Even if, as a parent, you work hard to eliminate causes of frustration, it is inevitable that your child will still occasionally act in ways that upset and challenge you. Your child needs to know it is okay to feel angry sometimes and that you’re on their side, no matter how spectacular their outburst may have been.

Your child’s anger and how they cope with that anger is not a reflection of your parenting abilities. It is understandable if you feel stressed, embarrassed, or angry. If this is the case, don’t bottle it up. Talk to your partner, your family, a friend, or someone you trust about how you’re feeling. You are your child’s most important advocate, so it’s important for you to take care of yourself as much as you can.

Before we dive into the literature on child anger, it is important to know that experts don’t always agree on anger management strategies, which can be confusing for those trying to find answers. However, a crucial distinction is that meltdowns are a behaviour, which all children are capable of. So, while your child may be having what others call a “temper tantrum”, they may also be experiencing an overload of stress.

Neurodivergent children especially, tend to suffer from cognitive or sensory overload and have what are commonly known as meltdowns. The recommended ways of dealing with meltdowns are _not** **_the same as for other angry outbursts.

Top tips for parents on dealing with your child’s anger:

• Build coping skills: Focus on responding to your child’s difficult behaviour in a way that helps them learn some useful coping skills. Try not to see the behaviour as naughty or attention-seeking.
• Keep expectations and goals realistic: Have realistic goals for what your child can cope with, to avoid sensory overload.
• Consistency is key: It works best when everyone in your child’s life takes the same consistent, calm approach to dealing with anger.
• Understand it’s complex: Imagine their angry behaviour is like the tip of an iceberg. You see what’s above the surface, but the reason for their behaviour is hidden below the water.
• Stay calm: Communicate calmly and clearly with your child. Don’t meet anger with anger.
• Don’t take on board other people’s judgemental attitudes when your child has an angry episode in public.
• Try to focus on keeping your child safe and appropriately cared for during their outburst. Make sure they have space to feel their feelings.
• Your child may feel stressed or angry when facing a new situation or challenge, so it’s important to let them know you’re there for them and they’re not alone.
• Remember, it’s okay not to have all the answers. Parenting is hard work and we don’t always know what to do. We can only do our best, and our best is good enough.

Support

Explore - Explore is contracted by government to provide support to children and their families. You can access this through the Mana Whaikaha or needs assessment process. Explore also has online courses for families. These are quite comprehensive and long but you can go at your own pace when it suits you.

Incredible Years - The Incredible Years Programmes are for both the parents and teachers of children aged three to eight. They help reduce challenging behaviour and increase children’s social and self-control skills. Ask your ECE head teacher or SENCO about Incredible Years.

The Incredible Years programme is a weekly session for parents over 14 weeks - it’s long but parents report that connecting with others is really useful.

Resources for kids

Train your angry dragon /

Train your angry dragon /

"Andrew explains the unique problems involved in having a dragon...

"Andrew explains the unique...

1-2-3 a calmer me :

1-2-3 a calmer me :

A young girl learns a technique for dealing with anger--and it works.

A young girl learns a...

Some days I flip my lid :

Some days I flip my lid :

"Teaching kids to be calm and cool with life's challenges becomes...

"Teaching kids to be calm...

When Miles got mad /

When Miles got mad /

Miles learns how to deal with his anger when little brother Max...

Miles learns how to deal...

Cool down and work through anger

Cool down and work through anger

"It's never too early for children to learn to recognize feelings...

"It's never too early for...

When Sophie gets angry :

When Sophie gets angry :

"This thoughtful story addresses one of the most difficult...

"This thoughtful story...

Stay cool and in control with the keep-calm guru :

Stay cool and in control with the...

"This illustrated book introduces wise ways for children to...

"This illustrated book...

The kids' guide to staying awesome and in control :

The kids' guide to staying awesome and in...

"Packed with simple ideas to regulate their emotions and senses,...

"Packed with simple ideas...

The kids' guide to staying awesome and in control :

The kids' guide to staying awesome and in...

"Packed with simple ideas to regulate their emotions and senses,...

"Packed with simple ideas...

What to do when your temper flares :

What to do when your temper flares :

"Guides children and their parents through the cognitive-behavioral...

"Guides children and their...

Starving the anger gremlin for children aged 5-9 :

Starving the anger gremlin for children...

Help children to understand and manage their anger with this fun...

Help children to understand...

Starving the anger gremlin for children aged 5-9 :

Starving the anger gremlin for children...

Help children to understand and manage their anger with this fun...

Help children to understand...

Awhi Ngā Mātua

This article has been developed by Awhi Ngā Mātua with research support from the IHC library.