Eating can be complex - despite what other people say. Children of all ages can struggle with eating.

Learning the skills required for independent eating is a complex, and sometimes lengthy business. We often take for granted the idea that eating is natural, easy-to-do and simple. Not being able to get your child to eat can be stressful and upsetting for parents.

Almost all children can go through a stage of so-called picky or fussy eating. Some have serious feeding challenges that require professional help. [Take the questionnaire ](http://questionnaire.feedingmatters.org/questionnaire)to see if your child might need extra help.

## Here are a few tips to help you get started.

**Make it fun** – Mealtimes can be stressful and unpleasant for your child if they are confused about eating. Try to take away any stress – don’t pressure them to eat something they don’t like or are unfamiliar with, allow them to take their time, let them explore their food with their hands – squishing/prodding/stirring - before eating it if they want to.

**Know your child’s preferences** – most parents will have a good handle of their child’s likes and dislikes when it comes to eating. But think about preferred mealtime routines, favourite places to eat, toys which can come to the dining table with them and keep them company, or model eating. Keeping a diary over a few days or weeks can help. Working out your child’s unique eating preferences can be crucial to successful mealtimes.

**Plan ahead** – Make sure your child has enough time to eat their meal without feeling pressured. Try not to plan any activities immediately after eating. Think about what kinds of meals will appeal to your child and how you could present it so that it is appealing to them.

**Allow choices** – Having choices improves confidence and self-esteem, as well as boosting the chances that your child will eat what you offer them.

**Support and adapt** – Recognise that some eating tasks might need to be tweaked. For example, a specially adapted chair could mean they sit at the table comfortably and easily. Other tools could include special cutlery, a non-slip bowl, or a table mat, with pictures to help guide them. Be patient as they take a while to master all the steps required for independent eating and drinking.

**Communication** – Use simple, clear language that is is positive and calm. Think about your body language for example don’t stand over your child or do anything that could be interpreted as intimidating. Show your child the food you are giving them. Let them respond in their own time and be prepared to accept ‘No’ for an answer if they don’t want to eat a particular food item. Tune in to their body language, and what it may say about their emotional state.

**Reduce noise and distractions** – Eating a large meal can require a lot of concentration. Make it easy for your child by eliminating distracting noises and activity. Comparing their eating habits with siblings or other people, even if intended as encouragement, could increase their stress.

**Think about providing smaller meals more often** - Six to eight smaller meals a day could give a child with a small appetite or attention span time to eat at their own pace and finish their meal. Small servings can also reduce feelings of being overwhelmed, emotionally and physically.

**Finger food** – Ditch the cutlery if your child has difficulty using them or sitting still (you can always re-introduce them later). Finger food can be safely eaten while moving around, and helps children learn how to coordinate hand to mouth coordination. It also helps with preparing to swallow, and swallowing.

**Difficulty swallowing** – Some children can have difficulties swallowing food. Consult your doctor and a dietician on appropriate strategies. They will often recommend feeding your child food that has been pureed or minced, or thickened smoothies, before gradually moving on to more solid food, as your child progresses. Modelling the process of successful swallowing - bringing food to your mouth, opening your mouth, chewing thoroughly before swallowing – can help your child master this task. Make sure your child is sitting upright and is able to do so for 20-30 minutes after eating.

**Sticky fingers** - Don’t sweat the mess. The important thing is for your child to eat a nutritious variety of foods, happily and enthusiastically, no matter how messy it may get.

If you’re still struggling with teaching your child eating skills, and/or are worried their intake of nutritious food and liquid is insufficient to thrive and be healthy, don’t hesitate to consult your GP, paediatrician or a qualified dietician.

For more on this topic, check out other panui from **Awhi Nga Matua** and[ **IHC Library**](https://ihc.org.nz/library-page) in this series_: Is my child more than a fussy eater?; Nutritional challenges for neurodiverse children; Menu planning for your child; Eating out with your neurodiverse child_. Or contact the **[IHC Library](https://ihc.org.nz/library-page) on 0800 442 442,** or email librarian@ihc.org.nz. You might also like to check out the resources listed below.


Help! My child won’t eat!

Eating, picky eating, ARFID, autism and eating, adhd and eating, feeding my disabled child.

A meltdown is very different from a temper tantrum, even though they might appear to be similar.

A child upset they have come up against a boundary set by a parent is not the same as neurodivergent children in sensory overload.

A tantrum is goal-oriented behaviour, for example, a child is communicating to their parent that they want their attention. A tantrum can be interrupted, and used as a learning opportunity.

A meltdown, on the other hand, is an uncontrolled reaction to overwhelming stress. The primary focus needs to be on keeping the child safe until the crisis is over. During a meltdown children have little awareness of their physical surroundings and will have difficulty understanding what is said to them.

Parents of children who have frequent meltdowns find it useful to identify what situations and triggers are most likely to cause them, and to put a plan in place to reduce those triggers.

### **Tips on what to do when your child is having a meltdown:**

- Make sure that your child is in an environment that is safe and secure.
- Try to create a quiet, calm space - turn off loud music and turn down bright lights. Try to eliminate any environmental factors that may have triggered your child.
- Ask any onlookers to give you and your child space and privacy.
- Remain calm and speak to your child very specifically and literally. Any vague or non-specific questions, such as ‘Are you okay?’ will only increase their distress. Keep in mind it may take them a while to respond.
- Let them know that you appreciate they are doing their best to deal with their stress.
- Do not judge them or attempt to lecture them on how their behaviour may affect others.
- Give them time to recover. It can take a while to recover from information or sensory overload.

It is not always easy to identify what the triggers that lead to meltdowns are. One strategy is to start a diary, recording what happened before, during and after each meltdown. This should help you gain a clearer idea on what common factors lead up to your child’s meltdowns and the things you can do to prevent them happening.

Triggers will vary from one child to the next, but common problem areas are changes in routine, anxiety, sensory overload (loud noises, crowded spaces, flashing lights), and communication difficulties. Knowing your child’s triggers will mean you can develop a plan to reduce the frequency, duration, and intensity of their meltdowns.

## The Rumble Stage

Many children will show warning signs that they are headed towards a meltdown, which is sometimes referred to as the rumble stage. They might show signs of anxiety, such as stimming, pacing, making repetitive statements or asking repetitive questions, walking in figures of eight or alternatively becoming very still (which can be known as a ‘shutdown’). At this point it may be possible to avert a full-blown meltdown with distractions or using calming strategies such as listening to music, removing any potential triggers or providing squeeze balls or fidget toys or soft toys.

## Create a tool kit

You could put together a toolkit of items most likely to calm your child – these may be stimming or fidget tools or toys such as miniature figurines, a piece of fabric they like to touch, or bubble wrap for popping. They do not need to be physical items – it could be a special song or word game your child likes to play. The toolbox can be large as it is practicable to be, that can be left with your child’s teacher or carer.

## Change your thinking....

As one expert in the field says, it can be useful to reframe the way we think about meltdowns, and accept that they are just a part of being autistic or neurodivergent for many people. “By rethinking it in positive terms it helps us feel like just a fallible human like everyone else”(Deborah Lipsky, 2011).

For more advice and tips check out the books available from the **IHC Library** listed below, or feel free to give us a call on** 0800 442 442,** or email l**ibrarian@ihc.org.nz **if you prefer.



A person in a blue sweatshirt holds a fidget spinner

What is a meltdown?

What is a meltdown? Meltdowns vs tantrums. How do I handle a meltdown? Are meltdowns tantrums?

Most parents know what it’s like to have their toddler struggle in a supermarket aisle or a busy parking lot, but they know that their child will grow out of these meltdowns as they understand their sensory needs.

This doesn’t always happen for children who are disabled or neurodivergent as they often struggle to understand the world around them. Anger and frustration can be their logical response to this. Even if, as a parent, you work hard to eliminate causes of frustration, it is inevitable that your child will still occasionally act in ways that upset and challenge you. Your child needs to know it is okay to feel angry sometimes and that you’re on their side, no matter how spectacular their outburst may have been.

Your child’s anger and how they cope with that anger is not a reflection of your parenting abilities. It is understandable if you feel stressed, embarrassed, or angry. If this is the case, don’t bottle it up. Talk to your partner, your family, a friend, or someone you trust about how you’re feeling. You are your child’s most important advocate, so it’s important for you to take care of yourself as much as you can.

Before we dive into the literature on child anger, it is important to know that experts don’t always agree on anger management strategies, which can be confusing for those trying to find answers. However, a crucial distinction is that meltdowns are a behaviour, which all children are capable of. So, while your child _may_ be having what others call a “temper tantrum”, they may also be experiencing an overload of stress.

Neurodivergent children especially, tend to suffer from cognitive or sensory overload and have what are commonly known as meltdowns. The recommended ways of dealing with meltdowns are _not** **_the same as for other angry outbursts.

### **Top tips for parents on dealing with your child’s anger:**

- **Build coping skills:** Focus on responding to your child’s difficult behaviour in a way that helps them learn some useful coping skills. Try not to see the behaviour as naughty or attention-seeking.
- **Keep expectations and goals realistic:** Have realistic goals for what your child can cope with, to avoid sensory overload.
- **Consistency is key:** It works best when everyone in your child’s life takes the same consistent, calm approach to dealing with anger.
- **Understand it’s complex:** Imagine their angry behaviour is like the tip of an iceberg. You see what’s above the surface, but the reason for their behaviour is hidden below the water.
-  **Stay calm:** Communicate calmly and clearly with your child. Don’t meet anger with anger.
- Don’t take on board other people’s judgemental attitudes when your child has an angry episode in public.
- Try to focus on keeping your child safe and appropriately cared for during their outburst. Make sure they have space to feel their feelings.
- Your child may feel stressed or angry when facing a new situation or challenge, so it’s important to let them know you’re there for them and they’re not alone.
- Remember, it’s okay not to have all the answers. Parenting is hard work and we don’t always know what to do. We can only do our best, and our best is good enough.

**Support**

**[Explore](https://www.healthcarenz.co.nz/service/explore-specialist-advice/resources-and-online-behaviour-support/) -** Explore is contracted by government to provide support to children and their families. You can access this through the Mana Whaikaha or needs assessment process. Explore also has online courses for families. These are quite comprehensive and long but you can go at your own pace when it suits you.

**[Incredible Years](https://pb4l.tki.org.nz/Incredible-Years-Parent) -** The Incredible Years Programmes are for both the parents and teachers of children aged three to eight. They help reduce challenging behaviour and increase children’s social and self-control skills. Ask your ECE head teacher or SENCO about Incredible Years.

The Incredible Years programme is a weekly session for parents over 14 weeks - it’s long but parents report that connecting with others is really useful.




How do I help my disabled child with their anger?

A parents’ guide to anger management for disabled children

Having difficulties with bladder control is very common in young children. This is partly due to immature bladder function which will naturally improve with age, but control problems are more marked amongst children with physical and learning difficulties.

**If **your child’s cognitive skills are delayed in language and understanding, it is likely they will need a bit more time and patience to master toileting skills.

Some children are especially anxious about new routines or demands. They might need extra patience, planning and organisation. It will help if you use strategies you know will ease your child’s stress - for example, you could give them choices over aspects of the toileting routine. Ask them if they want to take a toy with them or take their pants off beforehand. You could also explain the process in advance, making it fun by including favourite toy animals or dolls in role-play.

**Body Awareness **– Some children have an over or underdeveloped sense of their body’s needs – such as the need to do a poo or a wee. If your child has reduced body awareness, they may not notice the discomfort of sitting in a wet nappy. Or, if they have heightened body awareness they may go to the toilet repetitively, even when they have little need to do so. You can model listening to your own body signals as well as incorporating body listening into stories and play to help the child build their skills.

**Physical difficulties** – If your child has continuing bladder difficulties they might have an underlying medical condition, such as an infection or abnormalities in their urinary system. Keep a record of the problems they are experiencing and when they occur, before consulting your doctor.

In New Zealand 15 percent of five-year-olds wet their beds regularly, as do five percent of 10-year-olds. It is generally not considered a concern until children are aged seven or older. For children with disabilities or who are neurodiverse, bedwetting can be more long-lasting and can get in the way of school camps and sleepovers. This can be upsetting for everyone.

### **Some tips that might help with bedwetting:**

You’re probably already doing these, but it might help to tick them off and know you’ve covered the basics.

- Keep your child’s fluid intake up during the day – aim for six to seven water-based drinks, at regular intervals during the day.
- Encourage your child to go to the toilet before going to sleep.
- Protect the mattress with a waterproof cover.
- Don’t pick your child up and take them to the toilet while sleeping – it is important they learn to wake up to bladder demands.
- Bed alarms are available which are triggered by moisture in the bed, which helps develop children’s awareness of a full bladder and the need to go to the toilet. Talk to your GP or needs assessor/navigator about a referral to an incontinence nurse.
- Celebrate and praise your child for their toileting wins. Never get angry or punish your child for toileting accidents.

### **Regression and Relapses**

Just when you think you’re over this stage in your child’s life - you find the bed wet again! Regressions and relapses happen. Take a deep breath and don’t panic. It might be a blip on the road to toileting success, or there may be something going on with your child that you need to know about. Remember, behaviour is communication, so find out what your child is trying to tell you.

Firstly, investigate if there are any health issues that are causing the problem – for example if your child has a urinary infection or is constipated this will lead to changes in their toileting behaviour. If all possible medical causes have been investigated and treated and the problem persists, look externally. Perhaps your child is stressed due to changes in the family environment – you’ve shifted house or had a relationship breakdown. The problem could be in their school environment – they don’t like their new teacher or have had a falling out with a friend.

Once you’ve identified the issue it will be easier to provide the calm and supportive environment your child needs.

### **Remember:**

There is usually a reason for children to act in a particular way. It’s our job as parents to figure out what that reason is and do what we can to fix the problem with the help of others.

Try not to let feelings of embarrassment get in the way of talking to other parents and people who can help, about your child’s toileting issues. You’re not alone - toileting issues can be so frustrating and be really hard to manage.

Believe in your child’s ability to learn and celebrate their achievements.



How do I stop my child wetting the bed?

bed wetting disability bed wetting and autism, ADHD and bedwetting, Disabled child bed wetting

Using a toilet is a skill almost all children can acquire. But some disabled and neurodivergent children may need more support and practice to get there. They may never get there, but if you’re on this journey - these tips might help/

The three key stages are the same as they are for all children – **Preparation**, **Practice**, and **Persistence**.

### **Preparation - First Steps**

**Feelings** - Before beginning, parents should check in on their own feelings and motivation. For a successful outcome, it is important that parents do not feel anxious or pressured by friends and relatives. If you _do _feel this way, your child will know it and will likely push back, becoming uncooperative and stressed themselves. Keep positive and support your child even when it gets really hard. Celebrate each achievement, no matter how small. The toileting journey should be fun and stress-free.

**Support –** Getting your child toilet-trained is not a one-person job, you are going to need the support of your partner, other family members and any people involved in their care. If your child is already at school, contact their teacher and teacher aide if they have one and any other relevant teaching staff. You do not want your child to receive confusing or inconsistent messages about how and when to go to the toilet, so make sure everyone in your toilet team is on the same page before you begin.

**Timing **- Figure out the best time to start toilet training. For best results, choose a time when neither you or your child are likely to be stressed or busy with other concerns. This means avoiding significant times of change, such as moving house or schools, or bringing home your newborn baby. The Christmas holidays might seem ideal, but don’t start until the festivities are over, you’ve had a chance to recover, and your house is calm.

### **Gathering the data**

Take note of your child’s peeing and pooing behaviour over a few days and see what patterns emerge. For example, record how long after drinking they pee, what time of day they usually poo, how many times a day they poo, how long the average time between pees is, etc. You will use this information to devise a plan that will be your roadmap.

### **Practice**

The key to a successful toilet plan is to work around your child’s specific needs and routines and getting their buy-in to this new adventure. Explaining how our bodies get rid of the food we don’t need through poo and wee might help. Make sure they know it’s a sign our bodies are healthy and working well. Congratulate them if they successfully get all of their pee (or most of it) or a poo into the toilet.

### **Other key factors to your toilet plan:**

**Consistent language** including sign-language, that everyone in your toilet team will use for toileting activities helps a great deal. Try to use factual and accurate language if you feel comfortable.

**Break down the process into easy-to-manage steps. **As time goes by your child will be able to manage more and more of these steps by themselves, such as pulling down their trousers. It doesn’t matter if their mastery of each step does not happen in chronological order.

**Decide _how_ your child will be prompted** to go to the toilet if they don’t ‘feel’ the need to go. Will it be a visual or verbal cue?

**Decide _when_ your child should be prompted **to go to the toilet. For example, twenty minutes after meals, before leaving the house, going to bed, or after they’ve had some water or juice.

**Decide _how long_ they should sit on the toilet for**, and_ **what toilet specific activities **_**can happen** - singing a favourite song, using an ipad or phone, reading a book, playing with their designated toilet toy.

**Put your child in easy to remove clothing. **Try to avoid zips, buttons or hooks. Track pants are ideal. One-piece outfits and overalls can be tricky.

**Gather any aids they need **such as a child-friendly toilet seat, foot stool, or a specially installed bar**. **Make sure they’re set-up and ready.

As with any journey, there is always potential to get stalled or waylaid. Try to stay positive.

If you are making steady progress through making your child’s toileting journey enjoyable and consistent, now is the time to fade out. As your child gets accustomed to their new toileting routine, tell them as they are in the final stages of toileting (pulling up their trousers or washing their hands) that you’ll see them when they’re finished in the kitchen or wherever. Gradually you can remove yourself from the process all together and let your child enjoy their new independence.

### **Top tips to remember**:

- Your child may take longer to master the toileting process – so be patient and positive and don’t try to rush it.
- Never force your child to go to the toilet – physically or verbally.
- Even if you are feeling frustrated, don’t let your child know. Remember, they are doing their best.
- Focus on one stage at a time and be enthusiastic about the process - celebrate flushing a poo down the toilet, for example.
- Make sure your child has everything they need to feel comfortable and happy sitting on the toilet.

For more books on getting your child toilet-trained, contact the[ **IHC Library**](https://ihc.org.nz/library-page)** on 0800 442 442, or email: librarian@ihc.org.nz**. **[Join here.](https://community.awhingamatua.org.nz/)**


A toilet roll that has a sign attached that says "Don't Panic"

How do I “toilet train” my child?

Toilet training disabled children, toileting and autism, toilet training Autistic, ADHD, Autism, disabled, disability, PDA

According to Autism UK, **Pathological Demand Avoidance syndrome (PDA)** is a profile that describes children and adults whose main characteristic is to avoid everyday demands and expectations to an extreme extent

Many parents and teachers find that some of the recommended strategies used with autistic children are not effective for a child with a PDA profile. So here are some tips specifically for children with PDA to help with toileting.

Children with PDA find certain situations, such as toileting, extremely stressful and will often do whatever they can to avoid them. Behaviours may include hiding under tables or in cupboards, going limp, crying, verbal withdrawal, and hitting, kicking and screaming.

Compliance difficulties may arise because your child simply doesn’t understand what to do, or the task is too complicated. Or perhaps in a world where adults control everything like how and when to pee is something a child _can_ control.

To avoid your toilet becoming a battleground:

- Try to ignore negative behaviours and see them as signs of distress. Respond calmly and matter-of-factly. Even better, with humour!
- Break the toileting process into more manageable steps your child.
- Choose your battles – don’t sweat the small stuff.
- Don’t demand compliance – be prepared to negotiate.
- Provide options – being able to choose between one activity or item empowers children and reduces their anxiety.
- Be creative, and flexible in your approach – use role play and bring your child’s favourite toys into the mix. Keep it fun.
- If your child is very anxious, let them withdraw to a safe place until they’re calmer.

Often children with PDA learn to be more compliant at school – don’t take it personally, this more likely indicates they can express their anxiety where they feel safe and secure - at home.

## **Top tips to remember**:

- Your child may take longer to master the toileting process – so be patient and positive and don’t try to rush it.
- Never force your child to go to the toilet – physically or verbally.
- Even if you are feeling frustrated, don’t let your child know. Remember, they are doing their best.
- Focus on one stage at a time and be enthusiastic about the process - celebrate flushing a poo down the toilet, for example.
- Make sure your child has everything they need to feel comfortable and happy sitting on the toilet.

For more books on getting your child toilet-trained, contact the[ **IHC Library**](https://ihc.org.nz/library-page)** on 0800 442 442, or email: librarian@ihc.org.nz**. 


Emily Writes

Pathological Demand Avoidance syndrome (PDA) and toileting

How do I toilet train my PDA child? Pathological demand avoidance and toileting and toilet training.

Autism Parenting Guide, Supporting Children with Autism, Bedtime Challenges for Autistic Children, Effective Toilet Training for Kids with Autism, Strategies for Handling Meltdowns in Autism, Managing Hitting Behaviour in Autistic Children, Overcoming Eating Disorders in Autism, Practical Parenting Tips for Autism, Promoting Sensory-Friendly Home Environment, Enhancing Communication with Autistic Children, Encouraging Independence and Self-Help Skills, Coping with Transitions in Autism, Autism Sibling Relationships, Autism and Behaviour Management, Parenting Children on the Autism Spectrum, Empowering Autistic Children